Dear Sweet Old Lady at Walmart,

My son is autistic. I have been his mother for six years, and while his behavior may catch you off guard, I assure you, I have things under control.

I am sure that you panicked when you saw a 6-year-old running for the outside door. What you didn't see earlier was how much he loved the Mickey Mouse ride-on that is right next to that door. Your exclamation of "Ooh, ooh, ooh," caused me to lose sight of that fact and panic.

Then, when you asked if I needed help, well, it sent me over the edge.

Ma'am, I do need help. I am an Army wife. Right now, I am a single mother of three. I have just sent my sweet soldier back to Afghanistan. But, I confess, the help that you can provide is probably not what I need.

I need more energy to manage an autistic son who is off his schedule. I need more money to get a sitter every time I need to go to the store. I need more patience to deal with stares and comments from people who are uninformed or have forgotten what is like to be in my particular situation. I might even need an adult beverage (or several).

In any event, I must thank you all the same. Thank you for making me feel like a bad mom. Thank you for questioning my ability to manage my situation. Thank you for reminding me with pinpoint accuracy that my life sometimes just stinks.

Thank you.

I think I would have forgotten for a moment if you had not reminded me.

Ma'am, all I ask of you is that next time you take a breath before you speak. Normally, my feelings don't sit that close to the surface. But that particular day, you performed a Mexican Hat Dance on them and all I could do was walk away with a sting in my heart.

Sincerely,

Sarah B Young

An Army Wife Doing Her Best

The holidays always mean craziness for our family and this year was no different. But as I look back through the hustle and bustle I can say it was, and always has been, worth it.

As much as I complain about the packing, driving, running around seeing family and unpacking I would not have it any other way. As a military family, we are not used to being near our families for most holidays but Christmas is the one time we make it a point to come “home.”

Home is Buffalo, NY, where my husband and I grew up 30 minutes away from each other. We spend a lot of time running between both sides of the family when we make it back to visit. With two kids, that is not an easy feat!  

It’s a little stressful but what family doesn’t feel that holiday craziness, military or not. We are not sure where we will live next year or if it will be possible to come home so it felt extra special to be with our families this year.

With the holidays over I have been reflecting a lot about the past year and looking toward what 2013 will have in store for us. At this time last year we had just told our families we were expecting again. At the time I was nervous and stressed about having kids 20 months apart. I couldn’t comprehend such a big change to our lives.

But here we are. Six months have flown by and I feel like life has been this way forever.  Not only are we a family of four but we unexpectedly moved across country and will be moving again in a few short months. We have no idea where we are going and there is a possibility our family will be apart for a few months as we make the move.  

Most people think this roller coaster of uncertainty would be enough to drive you crazy. But somehow I feel no stress at all (for now). Maybe it’s because we’ve gone through this whole moving and not knowing where we are going thing before.

Answers that were supposed to come in January are now pushed back to February. We are supposed to move in May so I suppose as long as I know by then we should be ok.

My calmness could also be because I just don’t have the time or energy to be stressed about something so out of my control.  My kids were sick through the holidays while we were away from our house and being away with sick, booger-covered kids is absolutely insane and not fun.  Now, I am just waiting for it to hit the adults in the house. Because, let’s face it, a sick husband (especially a sick Marine) is 100 times worse than a sick kid.  My husband has so much work to do outside of his normal work hours he should probably just move to the library until the sickness has past, for his own safety.

Right now, I am in survival mode and feel like I’m running on a hamster wheel.

But, it’s a new year for this military family and a chance to learn from our experiences and make new memories.  Another move means more “see you laters” but also new friends and new opportunities for our family.

I am looking forward to implementing my New Year’s resolutions (taking care of me!) and making a new home for us, where ever that may be.

Anyone who knows me and our current living situation knows how excited I am to have a new home!  At this time next year, we could easily be faced with a deployment. So for now, I am going to sit back and enjoy the crazy roller coaster - boogers and all.

I consider myself a fairly well-informed military spouse. I try to keep up with the news, both official and that of the blog-o-sphere. I attend regular FRG meetings and try not to embarrass my husband with specific policy questions, at all of them. 

Apparently, however, I’m already failing at making the transition from active duty family to retirement.

Listen to me closely, if you are relying on your military life insurance policy to carry you through your golden years, you may want to reconsider.

Since we married late in our careers, and lives, my husband and I already had matters such as life insurance set up separately, he through the Army, and I, through my university. We didn’t think much of it. That, it seems, was our first mistake.

We hired a financial planner to help us navigate what felt like very murky waters as we embark on our retirement. Life insurance was her first obstacle for us to tackle.

As a soldier, we relied on the Servicemembers’ Group Life Insurance plan, which seems to have no comparison in the marketplace. For guys who spend their entire careers putting themselves in harms’ way, this is the plan to have.

As retirees, not so much.

As a 42-year-old, through Veterans’ Group Life Insurance plan, $400,000 worth of coverage costs $68 a month, not bad, really.

However, by age 65, that monthly premium jumps to $600. At age 80, you will be paying $1,800 a month for life insurance. And that’s just for the service member. There is another cost if you want coverage as well.

Check the rates for all age levels here: http://www.benefits.va.gov/INSURANCE/forms/VGLIRates-07-08.pdf

Plus, the VGLI program has no cash value, loan products and does not pay dividends.

And honestly, when I sat down with our financial advisor, I really didn’t know what that meant or why it was important.

But it is.

There are whole life policies available that have set premiums and not only pay your beneficiary upon your death, but also build cash value. It’s not immediate, but after 20 years of paying on the policy, the plan we purchased will build over $35,000 in cash value, meaning we can take that money out of our policy without being reprimanded by extra taxes and such. After 45 years left untouched, that amount is expected to be over $100,000.

It’s not meant to be play money, but knowing there’s a cushion there in case of serious accident or illness, made me feel more at ease.

And the big clincher, the younger you are when you purchase whole life insurance, the lower your monthly rates. The company we purchased through never raises that rate once it is locked in. At age 42, my husband’s rate is now locked in at $225 a month, forever. Can you imagine what it would have been if we had purchased the insurance at 17 when he entered the service?

If you are looking toward retirement, you may want to take the time now to begin looking at whole life insurance policies and really compare them with those offered by VGLI.

As a young service member, don’t give up the SGLI. But you too may want to look at purchasing your whole life insurance for retirement now while you are young and the rates are low.

I married my husband late in his Army career. He was an E-6 when we walked down the aisle and I had already built my own career and life.

Soon after we started our family, he deployed to Iraq and during a six year span was deployed or TDY for a combined 5 years. I stayed at my job, in my home, with my friends, in my world. He came and went as he could.

Eventually, we began experiencing the rigors of tri-annual PCS moves and typical life on a base. I was thrust into the actual role for the title I claimed: military spouse. I had been married to a service member, but never really lived the full lifestyle.  He moved, I stayed. He deployed, my life continued.

We spent six years on the move. Now, it seems we are slowly sliding into home, the last stage of his military career: retirement.

From my perspective, it feels too quick. I only had six years to experience all the benefits and frustrations of being an Army wife. Our children are just old enough to enjoy the perks of a military childhood.

From my husband’s perspective, it can’t come quick enough. After 23 years, 42 months in the Mideast, over 100 airborne jumps, which resulted in two spinal surgeries, and countless long work days, he’s ready to end this chapter.

Because of his surgeries, and multiple other medical issues due to his deployments, he is being medically retired, a term I am quickly learning comes with its very own set of rules, frustrations and difficulties.

I haven’t found much guidance on base or the internet to face this next hurdle. There are lots of official documents to describe the terms and process we will encounter. But there seems to be no one discussing what those terms actually mean.

So, we’re going to talk about them here.  Once a month, please join me in frank and honest discussions about the ins and outs of retirement and what it means not just for your service member, but what it means for you.

Please look for my new column, Retirement Chronicles the second Tuesday of every month.

Life is about to change, drastically. Why face it alone?

I like going to school. I enjoy it even more now than when I was a teenager. I don’t know if the difference is that as a teenager I had to go and now I want to go, but it is something I really enjoy doing.

During a recent coffee break with my neighbor she asked how I possibly had the time to go to college.

I paused for a moment because I had that same question when I filled out my college application. Will I be able to make this work? Will I be able to finish a semester? My answer was simple: yes, with time management.

I’m a busy person. I’m up early, every morning, just like when I was in boot camp and out the door before the sun rises. Throughout the day I’m in and out of the house as I run errands. How does college fit in?

I scheduled my classes to fit with my daily routine. After I drop my children at school in the morning, I head to campus for class and I’m home to pick them up on time. Between my classes I catch up on homework and studying.

It’s also great to have a helping hand like my husband who picks the children up when I need him to.

I have to shift my time management strategy when he is deployed. I always keep his schedule in mind as I register for classes. You definitely don’t want to register for a class that may cause you to miss another event, such as picking up your children, without having a back-up plan in place.

Managing a busy schedule can seem difficult. This is how you begin. Sit down and make a chart of your daily routine, listing everything according to time, when you start, stop and how often. Look for your free blocks of time: are you free in the mornings, the afternoon, or the evening?

Then, schedule your classes during those free times. Don’t have free time? Skip the on-campus classes and take online courses instead. This can make your schedule a little more flexible since your daily log in is generally done at your convenience rather than at a set time.

Also, make a plan with your spouse. Before I registered for classes, I checked my husband’s work schedule and his availability to pick up the kids if needed and watch them while I study.

Time management is one of the most important tools you have to build a successful college career. And, the time management skills you learn can help streamline all your daily routines and goals.

Holidays are not always merry.

For military families who are far from families and friends, the constant reminders all around them that they should be joyfully reunited with their loved ones can be too much to bear.

Holidays can feel lonely and pointless. For service members who suffer from PTSD or other injuries, just the thought of tending to “normal” holiday rituals can be stress inducing. Crowded parties, crowded shopping malls and forced family reunions can push service members over the edge.

For immediate help, service members and their families can turn to militaryonesource.com The online service has counselors available via phone 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Families, veterans and service members can also seek help from the 24-hour military crisis line available for online chat at www.veteranscrisisline.net or via phone.

Holidays are stressful. But you are not alone. If you are feeling overwhelmed please reach out to friends, neighbors or a counselor at one of these hotlines. They understand. They are here to help.

www.militaryonesource.com     

800-342-9647

www.veteranscrisisline.net

800-273-8255, press 1

Text to 838255

In Europe, call 00800 1273 8255 or DSN 118

We have never sent a Christmas letter in our holiday cards. Honestly, I’m lucky to get just the cards in the mail. If I tried to draft, and print, an actual letter my good holiday tidings would probably reach my nearest and dearest sometime after spring break.

And, something about an annual roundup of my family’s good fortune feels, fake.

Sure, my kid hit a home run! My daughter received a reading award! My two-year-old is walking and talking!

What you never read in those letters is that before that home run, my son spent the first six weeks of the season carrying around a nasty attitude and spent most of his time on the field muttering into his glove how unfair it was that he never won.

My daughter was presented with a beautiful award, several actually, by my wonderful friends on Facebook after I spent days complaining how the local library dismissed her from their summer reading program for having a learning disability. After that run-in my faith in community has never been lower.

And my walking and talking two-year-old is a walking and talking nightmare. She seems to find her way into anything sticky, messy or expensive and quite frankly, she is driving me batty.

Reality is perception and I never saw the need to make people think the grass on our side of the fence was always, Technicolor “greener” when in fact, sometimes, we could barely keep it watered.

So, dear friends, if I had to write a Christmas letter today, it would read something like this:

Boy, it’s been a long year. We’ve weathered my husband’s surgeries, the ups and downs of our daughter’s autism and learned just how difficult a rambunctious five-year-old boy and a pre-adolescent boy can be in the same household. Our pair of toddlers, while adorable and cute, have pushed us to the edges of our sanity. We’ve never quite gotten a handle on having constantly clean laundry for seven people and I’m pretty certain the transmission is going to give out on our vehicle any day now. We’ve spent much of the year on pins and needles as we’ve waited for the Army to announce what soldiers will remain employed under its new budget cuts and who will be sent packing. In preparation for an ousting, we’ve blown our budget trying to make plans and as a result, now know that shrimp is our least favorite flavor of ramen. But as 2012 closes and another year arrives we are all healthy, we are learning to work together as a team and love the community we are in. There are days that we fight. There are days that we cry. There are days that we put everyone to bed without a bath. But in the end, the important thing is that all our days are spent together. So here’s to a better 2013 and a life full of togetherness and love, even if it’s spent in stinky clothes while eating shrimp-flavored noodles.

To you and yours, Happy Holidays.

New Year's Eve has always been very special for my sweet soldier and I. We met on New Year's Eve 2000, and we rekindled our relationship on New Year's Eve 2001.  So every December 31st that we are together, we pull out the toasting flutes and toast to all that we hold dear.

By the time you read this, we will have said, "See you soon," one more time. These two weeks have come and gone quickly, but we have been so fortunate to have had opportunity to spend this time together and make some amazing memories for our family.

2013 is going to be a great year! I declare it to be so! But as you sit down to reflect on 2012 and think ahead to 2013, make sure that you give yourself all the credit you are due.

I may not be exactly where I want to be in terms of weight or money management, but I am not where I was. I have done my best during 2012 to raise my kids as a single parent. I have done my best to keep my family connected over thousands of miles. I have done my best to be the best friend I know how to be and that is all I can do.

My best is good enough, and my best will be good enough in 2013!

I hope that 2013 brings you blessings beyond measure and I thank you for continuing on this journey with me. As my training partner says, "Always run the downhill! That is where you make up for time lost on the uphill."

Keep running my sweet friends. The finish line is just around the corner!

Strength and Courage ... sby

One of the struggles I have faced as a military wife has been having my own identity.

Or maybe it’s losing my identity.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy being a military spouse or that I’m not appreciative of that “title.” I do love my life and I believe there are so many great things about my role as a military spouse.

But it has been easy to lose myself at times. I always wanted to be successful. I wanted to be able to have a profession I was passionate about that also allowed me to take care of my family. Putting off this dream was probably my biggest challenge as I became a new military wife six years ago. 

A year after I earned my bachelor’s degree, I put off grad school while my husband joined the Marine Corps. I’ve always considered myself a hard worker and no matter what job I held, I gave it 100 percent. I managed a restaurant, worked as a bartender, personal trainer, behavioral therapist and health coach in the first few years as a military spouse.

Finding a job was the easy part but there was always something missing. I didn’t feel professional.  Especially standing by my husband, whom I graduated college with, who has succeeded in every way possible in his military career. Whether finishing at the top of his class or mastering different certifications and special trainings, he has become exactly what he strived to be.

As proud of him as I am, a part of me wants that for myself also. Since becoming a mom two years ago, I have found a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction in my role as a stay-at-home mom and military wife. Or maybe I am so busy with this crazy life I haven’t had time to focus on just myself.  

Our baby is already 6-months-old and I know my babies won’t be home forever. I have found myself thinking and wondering again about what I want for myself. And as crazy as it sounds, I think I may want to go back to school.

I do not regret putting off graduate school because who knows where that path would have led my husband and I. Newly engaged and never having lived separately before, I was not willing to have a long distance relationship during his initial training. So I followed him and decided to go back to school when we went to our first duty station.

To make a long story short, that duty station came and went. More than four years, two deployments and a couple of kids came and went a lot quicker than I expected.

Before the boys were born, I did my research and found all sorts of programs I was interested in pursuing, everything from teaching to counseling to becoming a physical therapist. You name it and at one time or another I wanted to be it.

Why was it so hard for me to chose something?! It could be because I really never knew how long I would be at one place. I may not be able to finish a program in time and the thought of more school debt terrified me.

I thought about my husband’s career. If he decided to do 20-30 years in the Marines, what career would give me the flexibility to move around and easily find employment? I became very easily defeated. There was always a reason or two that detoured me from making a decision and following through with it. It has taken a lot of discussions (and at times tension) with my husband and self reflection to understand the reason I feel lost.

Life isn’t going to stop being crazy, especially military life. There is never a perfect time, for going back to school, starting a family or reaching toward any goal. It seems I will always find some obstacle to sabotage myself from making a decision about what I want to do.

But I am not getting any younger and life isn’t slowing down. My priorities have changed. Being successful isn’t based on my title, my degree or how much money I make.

I want to find a job that will be flexible with my family and military life and provide us with a way to secure our future. Writing this blog has given me a push into the right direction and I am so thankful for the opportunity to share my experience with other military spouses.

Whatever your challenges may be as a military spouse, do not let this lifestyle hold you back from your dreams. Carpe Diem. It might sound cheesy but reminding myself to “seize the day” helps motivate me.

Whether it is to take advantage of your new duty station, meet new friends or apply for a new job, you have nothing to lose when you take a chance.

Seongtanjeol jal bonaeyo!

Froehliche Weihnachten ! 

I'd Miilad Said Oua Sana Saida!

Over the years our Army family has been able to celebrate the holidays around the world. Sure, it stinks to be far from family but learning the cherished holiday traditions of another land is a gift I would never trade.

In Germany we oooh’d and aaah’d over the gorgeous, handcrafted decorations made by artisans there.

In Kuwait we explored their calendar of holidays, which different greatly from ours. We were thankful to experience the gentle culture for ourselves rather than through the lens of biased media reports.

This year, my kids are basking in the glow of a bright Hawaiian Christmas complete with swaying palm trees. We visited the local tree farm in flip flops, hung our stockings in the breeze on the back porch and will spend Christmas day on the warm, white sands.

Please join our contributors as they recall their favorite holiday moments over the years.

Wherever the holidays find you this year, I wish you joy, peace and happiness.

From our family to yours, Happy Holidays,

Allison

One of my favorite Christmas memories is that of the second Christmas with my sweet soldier. We were making our first Christmas dinner together. He wanted to try his hand at deep frying a turkey. He read online. He artfully measured the oil and he skillfully dipped that turkey into the oil. It became a "group project" because I was filming the whole process for insurance purposes. The turkey was delicious and became a staple of the Young Family Christmas. Any time our sweet soldier is home for the holidays, we deep fry a turkey! Merry Christmas and Strength and Courage – Sarah B. Young, Deployment Soundtrack

When I was a curious 9-year-old on the "Santa Borderline," my father staged a wonderful video setup on Christmas Eve. While my brother and I were asleep, my dad's best friend, dressed in a beautiful Santa suit delivered our gifts in huge burlap bags. Back in 1984, video editing consisted of turning the camera on and off to make Santa "disappear" and "reappear" in the doorway. The kicker: my parents followed him outside and taped him as he drove away on a huge, green John Deere tractor. We got to watch the whole thing on VHS tape in the morning! Truly the best Christmas memory made in rural Northeast Georgia! – Samantha Carroll, contributor

Christmas of 1991 is by far the best Christmas I’ve ever had. My whole family spent the weekend at my grandparents’ house. My cousins, sister and I got to help my grandfather pick out the tree and decorate it until all you could see was a colorful creation. Christmas music played on the stereo while the food was being prepared. There was the joy and love of family all around. This is what Christmas is all about. I only had one gift on my list and that was a 10-speed bike, a red one at that. On Christmas Eve we were allowed to open one gift of our choice. I didn’t see the bike so I assumed I didn’t get it. Another pair of PJ’s and socks is what was going through my head. Then I heard the back door open and there was my red 10-speed bike! It was the greatest moment of my life. Not only did I get the bike, my grandparents got all of their grandchildren tickets to Disneyland! Instead of getting one great gift, I got two!   - Kira Hooper, The College Spouse

My favorite Christmas memory is from two years ago. My husband had returned home from Afghanistan a couple weeks before Christmas and met our 2-month-old son for the first time. On Christmas Eve we went to mass and I watched my husband hold our son while we sang "Silent Night." It was the end of the service and the church was lit with candlelight. For months, I wished and prayed for our family to be complete and I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude and peace watching my boys together. There was no better gift.  – Ann Marie Dombrowski, Homefront Spouse