This is not the blog I had intended for today but there are a few stories I have come across which I feel I must share with my fellow military spouses.

Recently, a fellow USMC wife and blogger (of a different military website) passed away at age 26 from complications after giving birth. She left behind an active duty Marine husband, a 4-year-old daughter and a newborn son. When I read this story my heart broke into a million pieces.

My heart breaks for her family and children, I cannot imagine their pain. I cannot help but ache for her husband and think about the anguish he is going through.  

Another story I have been following on Facebook is that of an Army soldier who was sent home from Afghanistan because his then 34-week pregnant wife fell into a coma.

Doctors delivered their baby prematurely via c-section. The baby is thriving but the mother is still in a coma. A soldier can train and prepare for war but how can they survive something like this?

As a military spouse, I admit I have thought about how I would survive if something happened to my husband during combat. Where we would go and who would help us?

I don’t want to let those dark thoughts enter my mind but that’s the reality of this lifestyle. It is a deep and dark fear that I do not often speak about but it happens to other families and I know it is a possibility.

Military members may think about that reality also as they leave behind the family that depends on them. That cannot be an easy pill to swallow either. We have all seen and heard the heartbreaking stories of pregnant wives and children who will never meet their hero father.

But very rarely do you hear the story of a soldier who loses his wife.

We prepare our wills and finances and have the “talk” when my husband goes off to war but never have we discussed what would happen to our family if I were not here.  Even after I experienced complications with the birth of my first son, we did not discuss what my husband would do if something happened to me. Who would take care of our children? Would my husband stay active duty?

My purpose for sharing these stories is simple: life is precious.  Don’t wait until the days before a deployment to spend special family time together.

Our military members are not the only ones who make sacrifices and we all work together in a military family to keep the household running smoothly. As spouses, we are important and loved and needed just as much as our military members.

Enjoy your families. Let your kids eat dessert before dinner. Let your husband throw his wet towel on the bed (my pet peeve).  Our future is not a guarantee.

When it’s time to register for classes, the first thing I think about is finding the courses that best fit both my home schedule and my military life schedule.

To make sure I am able to pick up the kids from school, I take morning and early afternoon classes. Sometimes that means a class I really need, that is offered in the afternoon, will have to wait until another semester when it is offered at a different time.

In addition to meshing my schedule with my children’s commitments, I have to fit in my husband’s schedule as well. Normally, he’s able to pick up the children during the day but if he has to work late or his unit is in the field, all the duties of the house are left to me.

I have had to retake or drop a course because of deployments and PCS moves. I’ve missed final exams too. These are the sacrifices we make as college students who also serve as military spouses. Many of us have experienced these hardships. Learning to manage the chaos can make scheduling your classes into your family life much easier.

I carry my calendar at all times and keep track of my kids’ school activities, extra-curricular activities and my husband’s weekly work schedule. Once I have an overview of the flow of the month, I can begin choosing my classes based on the free time left over.

Next, I map the quickest route between my house, the kids’ school, the base and college. Since I’m on the go so much, it is important to know how quickly I can travel between each place. Every minute is precious!

With my classes chosen, and my family’s schedule set, I fill much of the remainder of my calendar with study time. The best time for me is after the children wind down and the house is semi-quiet, usually around 8 p.m. Since my classes alternate days, I usually have homework for one class each night.

None of this schedule juggling would be possible without my support system at home. My family knows how important school is to me and they give me the time to do what I need to achieve my dreams.

Managing everyday life and attending school can be stressful. But if you take the time to map out your days and take control of your time, you can eliminate the feeling of being overwhelmed. 

If you had to come up with $1,000 right now for an emergency, could you do it?

If you had to save $1,000 in the next two months for an emergency, could you?

The military has a contingency plan for every scenario imaginable. But when those same soldiers head home at night, often the most long-term plan their families have made is what is being served for dinner.

That’s the findings of Gary Ward, retired Navy chief and certified financial planner and owner of Government Personnel Financial Services in Aiea, Hawaii.

My husband and I turned to Gary’s company this summer when we learned that we were most likely on the list to be forced into retirement as the Army draws down its forces.

Our retirement plan was not in motion. We expected to have another three to six years to prepare but with a quick signature on a general order that time has decreased to a staggering seven months. Let’s be honest, we have nothing.

And apparently, we are not alone.

“There are two things the military does not do well,” Gary said. “They don’t do a great job helping you career plan and they do nothing to help you financially plan.”

Naively, I assumed that as military retirees, we would have great benefits. And, there are decent benefits. But what I didn’t look at was the fine print.

For example, I never asked the cost of the monthly premium for Service Members Group Life Insurance upon retirement. Now, as a soldier, we pay $26.

As retirees, the same coverage, for our age bracket, starts at $68 a month and increases every few years. By the time we are 60, we will pay $432 a month, just for life insurance.

Ouch.

At that point, I feared it was too late for us. Gary has assured me otherwise. We were behind on planning but our future wasn’t set to be destitute, if we started now.

“You can’t become successful financially by accident,” he said. “You have to make it happen.”

The hardest part, he explained, is choosing to put the money aside and then leave it alone.

Military families especially have so many added expenses that pop up such as buying restaurant meals during PCS, purchasing new household items each time they PCS and paying for extra babysitters and yard help TDY and deployment. It can be hard to put the money aside and leave it alone.

And, Gary said, military families are frequent victims of scams, a trend that Gary is trying to stop by offering military members free advice through his business.

“Those people in the military today are my brothers and sisters and I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit back and let anybody scam them if there is anything I can do about it,” he said.

Military and federal employees are offered free consultations to look over the options and compare what the government offers in retirement benefits to what is available in the civilian sector.

Gary said two things are common among soon-to-be retirees: they are terrified to enter the civilian world and they are broke financially.

The first step, ask yourself what you want out of your future. Then, build your financial plan.

Gary suggests beginning by investing, even if it is just $25 per month. The website www.morningstar.comlists all the mutual fund companies and graphs their activity to make it easier to choose where to begin.

Once families become accustomed to investing that $25 a month, they eventually can adjust their budgets to add more over time.

He also never advocates for paying off all your bills, especially by taking money out of a retirement fund. Over time, you are actually losing thousands of dollars.

For example, if you take $3,000 out of a retirement fund to pay bills, in seven years that money would have been worth $6,000 in the fund and in 14 years it would have been $12,000.

“If you look at it over time, paying that bill didn’t cost me $3,000, it could have cost me tens of thousands,” he said.

He also suggests that clients check with the better business bureau and the state they live in to verify the legitimacy of the financial planner they choose to work with.

In the end, financial planning is about making choices.

“Try to evaluate your urges. A new car feels good for about two months but the payment lasts a lot longer,” he said. “If you plan your finances, anyone can be successful.

“You obviously need a cash reserve but you really need to look at long term saving options in investing,” he said. “Where to invest, in what and how much - those are issues a financial planner can help you with.”

My Dearest Sweet Soldier,

Thank you for your service to our country. Thank you for being the tip of the spear. Thank you for standing in the gap for those who can't.

I want you to know that I stand in awe of you some days. I think about things that you have seen, things that you have had to endure and yet you willingly stay in the fight both mentally and physically. I know that this Army is a better place with you in it.

Thank you for being my husband and my friend. Our family has gladly endured many hardships in service to this country, but we couldn't do it without you to navigate us through those storms. I openly admit to you that this has been a tough deployment. Of the five, this has been one of the more difficult, but you have tried to listen when you can. You have helped when you can and you have encouraged when you can.

It won't be long until we can sit across the table from each other and share a beer and some pizza. It won't be long until I see you when I cross a finish line. It won't be long until I can hold you and not let go, but until then, just breathe.

Thank you for who you are and all that you do for our family and our country. I love you.

Your loving wife,

Sarah

Strength and Courage ... sby

With the start of the holiday season, I have started a month long challenge to write down something I am thankful for each day. As a military spouse, it is easy to get on the “Bitter Betty Bandwagon” as I call it and forget about the small things in life that I am lucky to have. More than anything, this challenge has helped me keep perspective on what matters most.

Along with the rest of the East Coast, we prepared for Hurricane Sandy.  As this historic storm roared in, my oldest son developed a high fever and sore throat. It all just seemed like crappy timing. 

As he became sicker, and the storm grew more serious, the stress in our house increased.  We needed extra groceries for the storm and we needed to get to the health clinic for medicine before the storm hit. 

Oh, and I just happened to have outpatient surgery the same day and wasn’t sure what to expect in my own recovery. To say the least, I had a few moments when I moaned and complained. 

Then, something snapped. This kind of stuff usually happens when my husband is deployed or away for training. It’s a running joke between my friends and me that as soon as the hubby leaves, something always breaks or falls apart. It’s just the nature of the beast and no amount of crying or complaining can change it. You learn to suck it up and push through.

This time, things were different. I had my husband home during the storm and my son’s illness; it was a nice change of pace. I had a teammate and we would get through it together. We watched the news as the storm hit and saw how many lives were lost and homes destroyed.

There were spouses and families out there who had to evacuate and prepare for this storm as their loved ones served our country across the world.  I had my husband with me and only experienced very mild rain and wind from Sandy. Soon, the weekend seemed a lot less scary and less stressful.

As military spouses, we go through a lot of ups and downs, but this unique lifestyle has given me some invaluable lessons. There is always someone out there who has it just a little bit harder. You don’t have to go far to see the tragic stories, just turn on the news.

When the tough gets going, I allow myself to go through the emotions. And then, usually pretty quickly, I realize I don’t have it so bad. I have my health, two beautiful children whose runny noses and sore throats will eventually go away, a husband who is home for the holiday season and a roof over our heads. Finding something small each day to be thankful for has reminded me of these blessings in the face of what seems like impending doom.  

This might just be something I continue to do each and every day, not just this time of year.

Finding time to study is a task in itself. The insanity of three major holidays makes the chore even harder. And this year, my husband is going to be in the field for most of November making me a single parent and doubling my daily to-do list.

During Halloween, I got lucky. Rather than make costumes by hand, I found my son’s on sale and borrowed my daughter’s costume from a friend. It meant my study time wasn’t taken away by focusing on the holiday.

Now, with my husband preparing to leave, and Thanksgiving coming, life is becoming pretty insane. I’ve had to adjust my schedule to fit everything in.

Now, I get up an hour earlier to study. Once the children are up and out the door, I drive to campus and study again in my car.

By mid-day I am at aerobics class, which counts for my third and fourth class of the day. I squeeze studying in while using the treadmill – my biggest time management win – studying and taking a class all at once!

Preparing to travel for Thanksgiving this year has also meant adjusting a lot of my study plans.

My grandmother’s 72nd birthday is the day before Thanksgiving and our entire, huge family, most of them under age 10, is gathering to celebrate both occasions. My husband is due home the same day.

It was decision time.

Rather than head home for the birthday, my children and I will wait here to welcome my husband back. Then, we’ll make the two-hour drive, to celebrate Thanksgiving with the rest of my family. This extra day away from the celebration will give me more time to study for my midterms while I wait for my husband.

And when we do travel, my schoolbooks are coming with us. Once at my grandma’s house, after the turkey has been served, I plan to lock myself in my old bedroom. I still have the key and this space can be my safe, study haven.

My plan is to lock myself in and get as much studying done as possible.

Hopefully, my plans for this holiday will go smoothly especially with finals coming up in December, but I know, being a military wife, nothing goes exactly the way you hope.

When I think back to my first year of college, I thank goodness that I really had no idea what was happening.

As a naïve, Midwestern 18-year-old, my parents kept rabid control over all family finances and decisions - to include how I was eventually to pay for college.

I had no idea that the papers they gave me to sign were actually $30,000 worth of student loans. I didn’t understand the terms of the loan, what they were for or even who I was eventually going to owe money to once I walked across that graduation stage. When I suggested looking for programs to help cut the cost, I was told it was too much work, just sign.

It was not a good way to kick start an independent financial future.

Military spouses returning to school have such a unique perspective that I sometimes envy. They have the time and often years behind them to be money savvy and budget-wise. They know what to sign and what not to sign. And most importantly, they know where to look for the goods.

For military spouses looking for assistance to pay for their degrees, the goods are in the military communities around them: through GI Bill funds, independent military service clubs and organizations and through government programs such as the Military Spouse Career Advancement Accounts.

Students who choose to earn their degree at Bryant & Stratton College, may qualify for the Salute to Spouse scholarship*, a program designed specifically to meet the needs of military spouses.

Salute to Spouses has partnered with USAA’s Military Spouse Community to explore more of these options. As a guest blogger, I offered a list of places military spouses can go to search for more ways to pay down those tuition bills without spending a dime.

Check it out when you have a chance. I can almost guarantee one of these options will be worth the work.

*The Salute to Spouses Scholarship program is available to students who enroll in online and selected campus-based degree programs.

Yesterday was awful. From start to finish, it was just awful.

I heard screaming coming from upstairs. Since it was bedtime, screaming is a "no go at this station."

Sweet girl came pounding downstairs in tears.“He pulled my hair,” was the tearful battle cry.

When I got to the bottom of the argument, sweet girl had taken a piece of leather cording that was special to the older sweet boy. Sounds silly, right? Well, this particular piece of cording held an arrowhead that was made at Dad and Cub Scout Camp two years ago when we lived in Louisiana. The arrowhead has disappeared, but the cord remains; the link to a weekend that older sweet boy will not soon forget.

Sweet girl took the cord, knowing it was her brother's, and uttered the phrase that has haunted siblings for generations: "Finders, keepers. Losers, weepers."

Everyone was punished and sent back to their "corners." As I turned to walk down the stairs, I heard sobbing. My friends, this was the ugly cry. I walked into my oldest, sweet boy's room to find him in his bed weeping.

“Okay, sweet boy. What’s the matter?”

“I {gasp} just miss {gurgle} Dad so much {sob sob sob}.”

Oh my goodness! My heart just broke. I read somewhere that tears are not a sign of weakness; they are a sign of having been strong too long.

So I am faced with a teaching moment. Ugh! Some days it is not so much fun being the mommy! We talked about some of our favorite things that oldest, sweet boy has done with dad. We talked about how much dad misses oldest, sweet boy. We talked about things that we can tell dad the next time he calls. We hugged and calmed down and finally, sleep was achieved!

I chose the song American Honey, because it talks about going back to a time when things were fun and easy. There are many days that I wish I could go back to that country road where I grew up.

Sometimes I really do wish I didn't have to explain to my children why their dad can't be here at the very moment when they need him, but I have to believe that I am right where I am supposed to be for a very particular reason. I am their mom in this place for a very particular reason.

I have extremely resilient children. I couldn't be prouder of that, but I would like to leave you with a thought to ponder.

The argument over a piece of leather cording is never just about the leather cording. Set your own emotions aside and do your best to drill down to find out what is really happening.

Friends, you are all in your spots for a particular reason too. Take advantage of the teaching moments and show your children, friends or whomever how to channel their feelings productively.

Hang in there, friends! We are almost there!

I am now officially counting down! Five months to go and even less until R&R!

Strength and Courage ... sby

Our next PCS is consuming our lives right now.

Decisions have to be made sooner rather than later. It’s time to buckle down and have some serious discussions. I thought we had time to figure this out, but things are always changing. I shouldn’t be so surprised!

So many times these types of decisions have been out of our control and for once, the ball is in our court.  Picking a geographic location would be easy if we only had to consider the place.

But each location means a different job for my husband.  And each job has its pros and cons for our family. Instead of the original two options of Virginia or Florida, we have been given more options – which have really thrown us off.

With all of these different job opportunities, the big consideration is: where are the deployments and how long will we be apart? What is good for our family (no deployments) is not always the best for my husband’s career (combat billets).

I would almost rather have the Marine Corps decide for us, it would make things so much easier. We would have a future destination chosen and be able to begin researching our new area. Whatever difficulties came with the job we would handle. And if we were unhappy there, I could blame the Marine Corps instead of myself!

I am grateful that my husband includes me in these types of discussions and decisions.  Even though it’s his career, he respects my opinion. But ultimately, he has to be happy with what he is doing. 

As a military family, we learn to make a home wherever we go. Being together is what matters most, whether there are deployments or not. We were looking forward to another two years without combat deployments but some jobs have been presented to my husband which might be a once in a lifetime kind of deal. But these jobs also mean deployments. Considering future deployments brings lots of questions:

Could I handle being a single parent with a 1- and 3-year-old?

Would it be better for the boys if Dad was away while they were young or when they were older?

Would I stay on base or go back to New York to be with our families?

Would I go back to school or wait?

The list is endless. And I can’t help but think about our boys. At the end of our life, when our kids are grown and we are old and gray, will these sacrifices be worth it?

I am beginning to feel overwhelmed by it all. I really thought I would be able to focus on the right now. But this big decision is taking over us both.

We keep talking in circles. I hope in the next few days something will come along and steer us towards the right choice. In the mean time, I will keep on making our home here and prepare for our new home, wherever that may be.

Stay tuned.

The key to free time is effective time management. As holidays, midterms and finals approach, you have to make time at least once a week for yourself.

Tuesdays and Thursdays are the only days I have just one class. After my class time is finished, I am free to do whatever I want until it is time to take my son to Jiu Jitsu. However, this time is usually taken up by errands I have to run and getting in extra study time before the kids get home.

But, recently I’ve found the importance in having free time. Don’t get me wrong, I still think it’s important to be committed to schoolwork and take school seriously. But especially as holidays, midterms and finals approach, you have to take some time off at least once a week. Whether you start a book that isn’t required for class, go to the gym or hang out with friends. It doesn’t matter what you do with your time, just make sure you take time for you.

I’ve carved out a special night just for me each week. Tuesday nights are reserved for free time away from college, household chores and errands. Every week I meet a group of women just like me whose days are swamped with errands, diaper changing, college papers and house cleaning. But on Tuesdays, it is officially, Military Wives Night Out!

We meet for dinner and a movie. It is a well-deserved night off but it is also a night to connect with military spouses who are facing many of the same challenges.

These outings are especially great for me since I’m fairly new to the area and I don’t have many friends. It gives me an opportunity to meet other military spouses and hear their advice. I have also met wives in the group whose husbands are in the same unit as mine. Now, when they deploy, I have a stronger support system with them and they with me.

Since I’ve begun taking this time once a week to leave my busy life, my mind has been clearer.  After my Tuesday class, I go to the library and complete any assignments that may be due the next morning. This way, I don’t have to stay up all night trying to complete them after my free night out.

Also finishing my homework earlier in the day gives me more quality time with my family, which I truly enjoy. I don’t feel as stressed and I’m actually more focused on my schoolwork!  I look forward to my Tuesday because it’s like a reset for the rest of the week.

I recommend that all of you look for the free time in your busy schedule. It’s a must! Even the smallest amount of time for you will make an enormous difference.