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Deployment time = Murphy’s Law

Hello Mr. Murphy, so lovely to see you again.

Yep, it’s that time again, my husband is TDY for the month and no sooner had the wheels of his plane lifted off the island and bam! The proverbial poo hit the fan.

You seasoned military wives know what I’m talking about. Appliances never break until they deploy. The car never has a funny noise until he’s gone. You can juggle your busy life just fine until your husband is out of reach and then all the dishes you’re balancing come crashing down.

Even with five kids and a very busy schedule, I manage to get everything accomplished. It might be 1 a.m., but it’s done.

The day my husband left there was a neighborhood emergency and I spent four hours on the front porch talking to the mps, meaning I was behind schedule.

The next day I had meetings and interviews all day and my kids’ practice was pushed up. Everything that wasn’t done Monday also wasn’t accomplished Tuesday. Oh, and the check engine light switched on. Grrrr.

On Wednesday, there was another problem in the neighborhood and my morning was again devoted to the mps.  The garage light also refuses to switch off and the box of Christmas ornaments came crashing down. Glass. Everywhere.

On Thursday my children began throwing up in droves. This lasted until Sunday. I didn’t sleep the entire time.

This column, in fact, was due by Friday. I was afraid, however, if I sat too close to the computer for too long one of my children would vomit, miss the floor and drench my keyboard. Plus, I was too tired to see the screen.

It has been at least a year since my husband has been gone for any length of time. After 42 months of deployments to Iraq, we were definitely ready to have a deployment-free duty station.

However, I quickly forgot the long standing tdy/deployment tradition of Murphy’s Law: if it’s going to break or go wrong, it will do so while he is gone.

Well played Mr. Murphy, well played.

Deployment Soundtrack: The Twelve Pains of Christmas
The 12 Pains of Christmas

Bob Rivers, 1994

Preview Song

It is officially the most wonderful time of the year. At least that's what the song tells us.

But for a lot of us, it can be sort of a scary and / or dark time of the year. I’ve written a lot about how to combat sadness, loneliness and any other frustrations deployment brings. What happens when those feeling are made to feel bigger by the holidays? What then?

I am not a therapist, but I can tell you what seems to work for me.

  1. Reminding myself, I can't do it all. No matter how much I want to. I can't make Christmas without him be the same as Christmas with him. All I can do is my best without driving my loved ones crazy and my best is good enough!
  2. Planning time for myself. Sometimes I don't count the time that the kids are in school, because that is when I have to do the household bidding. Time for myself is getting a sitter (or utilizing free childcare) and planning some fun with my girlfriends or a trip to Target in which I don't have to look at toys or video games. Budgets can be tight this time of year so plan according to your budget.
  3. Keeping with my budget. Speaking of budgets, don’t forget yours! We all know that the "perk" (if there is one) to a deployment is a little extra income, but we still need to budget for Christmas. I have three kids. They have teachers, paraprofessionals, bus drivers and aides, and then there are my besties who listen to me whine all the time. They certainly deserve something special. So do our families who deserve something extra special this year because our sweet soldier is gone. Do you see how this can go south quickly? You don't want to have too much month at the end of your money!
  4. Set myself up for success. To stay sane during the holidays I try to set myself up for success as much as possible. For example, I set small decorating goals. Once those are met, I tackle the gifts. Once that is completed, I work on the menu for the big day. If you include friends who aren't going home for the holidays you can do half the cooking and have twice the fun. Make sure we all get plenty of rest and eat properly.

There is another side to this coin. What if your sweet soldier is coming home for the holidays (R&R or redeployment)? The stress of that is enough to drive us all to the Class VI for an adult beverage!

Remember, your soldier is not going to remember which decorations you did or did not set up. Your sweet soldier is going to be glad to be home with you and the family. Keep telling yourself that it does not have to be perfect – even if it’s a difficult pill to swallow!

Remember when I wrote about getting from "water point to water point?” This is a great time to exercise that skill! Remember to set small goals, or water points, and celebrate when you get there! Keep breathing. This is the most difficult time of the year for a lot of people who are not under deployment stress. Give yourself a break! You are doing a great job and we are almost to the end!

 

Strength and Courage ... sby

Homefront Spouse: Love, don’t judge

Our library on base is the hot spot for stay-at-home moms. There is story time for toddlers 3 to 4 days a week and includes music, story time and play time.

Traffic around northern Virginia can be pretty ugly so it’s nice to have a short drive to the library to break up our day. Plus, it’s free and a nice break for me while someone else entertains my boys.

We’ve made a lot of our friends there and I am grateful for this little weekly routine.  However, I didn’t have the best impression when we PCS’d here.

I guess I should start from the beginning. When we were new to base, my son was 18-months-old and I was very pregnant and adjusting to east coast humidity. We spent a lot of time going to story time in the air conditioning. My son loved it and I looked forward to a little adult conversation.

Some days my son sat along with everyone else on the colorful carpet and sang along. Other times were rougher. Like a typical toddler he’d run around the library and get a kick out of watching my very pregnant self chase him through the aisles.

Other times he would take a toy away from another child and scream the ever dreaded toddler phrase: “Mine!”

One time he even pushed a baby over. I was mortified.  My husband calls me “helicopter mom” because I am usually hovering over him, correcting and redirecting his every move.

Don’t worry, I have learned that those types of situations work themselves out and sometimes kids do better without the parent intervention. But we were new to base and I wanted to make friends. I did not want to be the mom with the wild boy who no one wanted to be friends with. For his and my sake!!

Right before I had the baby we took a small hiatus from the library. There had been a “situation.” Maybe I was hormonal but I took it pretty hard.

My little guy was playing in the puzzle area and saw two other boys a few months older than him playing and laughing together. He wandered over and tried playing along. I was talking to a friend, just a few feet away and was watching to make sure my little guy didn’t do anything disruptive.

He tried to hug one of the boys and they both stumbled into the wall but didn’t fall. They actually laughed together and continued playing with this large puzzle. Then, the boy’s mother said, “Tell him you don’t want to play with him, he doesn’t play nice.”

I could not believe it. My mama bear instinct was ready to attack but I was speechless. My child is not perfect and I am pretty tough on him.  

Nothing had happened that deserved that type of reaction.

Was this mom really expecting her 2-year-old to repeat her compound sentence word for word? No. She was directing that at me - loud and clear.

I held in my tears (had to be hormonal) and bent down and told my son to say sorry (which at the time was only through baby sign language) and not hug so hard. I mean, what else was there to say?

I have seen these moms before and I am sure they witnessed some of our bad moments in the library, but, toddlers are still learning their boundaries and exploring. This was actually a good moment. What was wrong with these women?

I did not want to be friends with people like this. We stayed away from the library for several weeks.  I know we didn’t do anything wrong but it made me miserable. It was hard moving with a toddler and being pregnant but I was trying my best to be social and meet new people.

This situation made me miss my friends and our mommy group who didn’t judge us and loved my son for who he is – 100 percent rough and tough boy who also loved to hug and cuddle. I used this as a way to hate our new home.

I guess I’m dragging this on but the moral of the story is, don’t let one or two people ruin your experience in a new place. Since then, I have gone back to story time and met some amazing friends. I have learned to let go a little and let my son choose what he wants to do.

If he is having a wild morning, we may skip the library and go to the playground instead.  Plus, he has started attending gymnastics class where there is lots of space to run and jump. I have met other moms whose kids are the ones running around and taking toys from other kids and I smile with a sympathetic look that says “we’ve all been there.”

Being a mom new to base is hard and you never know what situation someone is in. We’ve only been on this base six months but military families are always coming and going. You never know who is looking for a new friend. So be welcoming and kind. Treating people (both adults and children) the way you want to be treated goes a long way.

The College Spouse: My goals – I can do it!

When I was young, I wanted to be a ballerina. I twirled around my room in my pink tutu and pretended I was on stage.

Then, I wanted to be a schoolteacher. In high school, and until the time I joined the military, I wanted to be a radio broadcaster. Each dream I had also came with a goal - to be the best I can possibly be.

After nine years in the Navy, I had a totally different dream: to be a nurse and to help people who cannot help themselves.

At the time, I had no clue what becoming a nurse entailed and wasn’t even sure I could stand working around blood. I decided to take baby steps. Since I want to be the best at my job, I also want to take advantage of all the educational opportunities that come my way.

I made myself a “Goal Poster.” My goal is to finish my nursing degree and to eventually open a medical clinic with my husband. On this poster is a list of goals that I strive to achieve within six months, two years and after graduation. Every time I meet one of my goals, I give myself a happy face sticker and write down the date. This serves as a reminder for when I feel that I can’t do it. I can do all of this and more.

There are so many ways to determine your goals, track them and reach them! Never give up and strive to be the best. Make that “Goal Poster” count!

30% Discount from FlexJobs

Two of my favorite things about this job is I get to work from my kitchen table and bring quality information to my fellow military spouses. Occasionally I get the opportunity to tell you about discounts as well!

Last month our contributor Kim Dority highlighted FlexJobs in her piece on How to Find a Telecommuting Job and the company has now, graciously, extended a 30 percent discount for military spouses who become a member of their site.

You can enter the site and search for jobs for free. But by becoming a member of FlexJobs, you will have access to articles and resources to help with your job search and you can post a resume that employers who use FlexJobs can review and call you. You can also take skills tests, which normally cost almost $15 each, that employers can look over and see as proof of your work.

There are many benefits to a telecommuting job especially for a military spouse who is constantly on the move and FlexJobs almost seems as if it was created for military spouses. The innovative job search specializes in pairing job seekers with professional jobs that offer some kind of flexibility, such as telecommuting, part-time and freelance work. Plus, what I like most is that each of the companies that advertise jobs on their site have been personally screened by FlexJobs employees so there are no “work from home” scams to avoid.

If you’re interested at all in having a telecommuting job, this site is worth checking out. Membership ranges from $14.95 for a single month to $49.95 for a year and military spouses receive 30 percent off by using the special code MILITARY upon checkout.

Deployment Soundtrack: Thank You
Thank You

Alanis Morrisette, 1998

Preview Song

My editor (and sweet friend) asked me to sum up what I am thankful for in a few sentences or a paragraph, and dutifully, I began to consider what I would write. Do you

know what I discovered? I have more than a paragraph in thankfulness to share but my thankfulness may be a little different than you think. So here we go ...

I am thankful that during deployment:

10.  My child has ended up in the emergency room. It has taught me to think quickly on my feet and to be calm in an emergency situation.

  9.    That the pipes burst on the washer. It has taught me to always know where my tools are and to think creatively when solving problems.

  8.    Friends have unfriended me on Facebook. It has taught me to not be so thin-skinned and to realize that I should think before I post.

  7.    That my sweet soldier doesn't answer every time I email. It has taught me to be patient and understand that the mission really does have to come first sometimes.

  6.    That my son is on the autistic spectrum. It has taught me to parent in such a way that I can meet his needs.

  5.    That my daughter stuck a metal rod in an electrical outlet. It has taught me that I can yell really loudly.

  4.    That my daughter was okay after sticking the rod in the outlet. I think she taught herself a lesson.

  3.    That occasionally everyone likes to schedule things on the same day. It has taught me to prioritize.

  2.    That my kids argue with the neighbor kids. It has taught me to clink glasses with my neighbors and say, "I'm glad mine aren't the only ones."

  1.    That we have experienced five deployments. They have taught me the value of school and daycare and how to turn a trip to Target or Walmart into a mini vacation.

While not all of these incidents have occurred during this particular deployment, I really am thankful for the opportunities that deployment has brought me. But most of all, I am thankful that this deployment has brought me you.

I hope that if you were separated for Thanksgiving that you had the opportunity to speak to your soldier, sailor, airman or Marine. I hope that you had a clear Skype or FaceTime session or phone line. And that you remember even during deployment, there is so much to be thankful for.

From the Young Family to your family, I hope you had a fantastic Thanksgiving and I hope that you enjoy a fantastic holiday season.

Strength and Courage ... sby

Homefront Spouse: A Military Wife Cinderella

Showered and spit-up free...

It’s my favorite time of year. Not only are the holidays just around the corner, but also this month marks a celebration for our family- the Marine Corps birthday. It’s a time to celebrate, reflect on the past year and bond with peers as well as remember those who have made the ultimate sacrifice and are no longer with us.  

I love being a part of this tradition and feel so fortunate to have a husband who is part of this community. And who doesn’t love a reason to shop for a new dress and stand by a man in uniform! I might be a little bias but there is just something about those dress blues!

This year I bought a new dress and had my hair and makeup done. Since having kids, I haven’t put that much effort into preparing for our Marine Corps ball. This year we are at a new command and a new chapter in my husband’s career. I wanted to feel beautiful and sophisticated, like Cinderella - not only for myself, but for my husband.

The last few months, as we moved and welcomed a new baby, have been a whirlwind.  I am lucky if I get to shower most days, let alone put makeup on. My daily uniform consists of t-shirts and yoga pants with remnants of fresh spit-up. There are some nights my husband and I don’t even have a conversation with one another after dinner because we’re both putting a kid down for bed and one of us ends up falling asleep.

So this year the ball was a lot more than just celebrating the Marine Corps birthday. We had a night out on the town, kid free, and I was excited to spend some time with my husband away from our chaos: showered and spit-up free.

While getting ready, I remembered my friends at our previous duty station. I was definitely going to miss them this year but I looked forward to bonding with our new friends. The ceremony began with a message from the commandant and as always, was very motivating.

You cannot help but feel proud and fortunate to be surrounded by so many heroes. The cake cutting tradition when the eldest Marine passes a piece of cake to the youngest Marine stirs up chatter as everyone gasps at how young the Marine is and how old it makes you feel.

The table draped in black with an empty place setting represents those service men and women who sacrificed their lives for our country and freedom and are no longer with us. I always feel moved by this symbolic gesture and find myself squeezing my husband’s hand during the moment of silence as a little way to let him know how thankful I am to have him with me.

There were lots of laughs and lots of dancing. It was a great night with new friends and lots of memories were made. One of the best parts about the Marine Corps is that it is a small community. You always see someone you know and haven’t seen in years.

We met up with our neighbors from our first house on base in California from almost five years ago.  Although social networking sites make it easier to stay in touch, it was great to see familiar faces in person and catch up.

To top off our night out, we had a full night of sleep in a hotel away from the kids! We woke up to a beautiful day in Washington D.C. and were anxious to get to the Iwo Jima monument before we headed home. There’s just something about being in D.C. that makes you feel extra patriotic. We wanted to pay our respect at this particular Marine memorial on this special day.  

All good things must come to an end, however, and my night as Cinderella was over. Early in the morning we got the call that our kiddos had a rough night and grandma and grandpa needed back up. Mommy duty called.

I was a little disappointed to see our birthday celebration end, but there is nothing sweeter than your kids greeting you with open arms and big kisses. I am thankful for my night away with my Marine but more importantly I am thankful for the service my husband provides for his country and the opportunity it gives me to be part of such a great circle of military spouses.

The College Spouse: Grades!

Midterms are almost over and grades are coming in. This is when I am the most nervous. My mind is filled with questions: Have I studied enough? Could I have done more? 

Each semester I register for three classes: one that is needed for my degree, one that I am interested in (either within my field or outside of my degree) and finally, a class that will challenge me beyond my comfort zone. This last class is typically where I learn the most because facing an extra challenge is how I learn best. I love challenges because I not only learn something new, but I also see what I’m capable of doing.

I know I work hard in all of my classes but I’m also the first one to beat myself up if I do poorly. I learned the hard way early on that slacking off does not work.

So now, to do well in a class, I keep with the same study routine. I fear that changing my routine will interrupt my study flow. When I find myself struggling in a class, I double my study time. I go all out - tutors, flash cards and extra note taking. The library becomes a second home to me. The last thing I want to see is a below average grade on my transcript.

An important tip to remember as a military spouse is to save all your report cards and transcripts and keep track of your credits. I do. I’ve found it is important to carry copies of these forms as you move to a new duty station or enroll in a new school. The counselor will ask to see them and you can enroll quicker and easier if you keep them on hand rather than request for them to be sent with each move.

Also, I take the math and English tests each semester. It may sound a little silly but you will be surprised by how much you learn in a single semester meaning your score on these tests will rise.

My worst subject is math and that’s the one subject that I need the most to complete my nursing degree. I am constantly working extra hard to make sure I am not just succeeded but also moving forward. Retaking the math test each semester helps me to gauge my progress.

I push myself to earn the best grades I can each semester. I find out what works for me as I study and continue to move forward. You can do the same. Find what methods work for you and reach for the stars!

The tough marriage conversation

The recent admission of an extramarital affair by Gen. David Petraeus is shocking to civilians. Soldiers pledge to be steadfast, honorable and loyal. The thought of such sleazy, undercover dealings seems uncharacteristic.

For military wives, it is a reminder of what we all know is true, cheating happens in military couples, both in the warzone and on the homefront, though I personally doubt it happens with any more frequency than in the civilian world.

I was asked shortly after the news broke, as a military spouse and editor of a spouse publication, to consider our roles as military spouses and the difficulties of a marriage ruled by separation.

I have to say, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. My husband has 42 months in the combat zone. There were times when I missed him desperately. There were times when I told myself I didn’t care if he returned. The range of emotions that war infuses into a marriage is staggering.

And when they come home, the period of re-adjustment can make or break a marriage. People change, especially under the stress of combat. Wives at home change as they learn to take over rolls their husbands once had in the household and, dare I say, like it.

In those places between couplehood and a marriage by distance come the vulnerability, and the opportunity to cheat.

The strongest military couples I have known have not just faith in each other during these times apart, but they have committed to each other through action and word.

I compare it to the conversation you have to have with your spouse about their funeral. So, if you die, what do you want us to do? My husband calls it, the sad music talk. What music do you want? What are your last wishes? It’s unpleasant and uncomfortable, but you have to do it.

Same thing with your marriage. There is nothing wrong with sitting down with your spouse and discussing what you expect from them during a deployment: you both know loneliness is going to come, that temptation may be right there, but that you expect each other to remain steadfast and dedicated to the vow you took when you were married.

It’s not an easy conversation and I think many couples believe they don’t need to have it, but I think it is important to put it out on the table and re-iterate that this is unacceptable behavior.

Then, during the deployment, it’s ok to talk about the fact that you are lonely, to tell each other that you miss the other person. I know lots of wives who send sexy boudoir photos of themselves to remind their mates what they are waiting for.

Building a marriage that can withstand repeated deployments and separation is not easy, but it is possible. My husband and I have been together 13 years and while it wasn’t always pretty, it has been worth every moment.

Military couples who make the commitment to put in the hard work to grow their marriage despite the strains of military life are the strongest families I know.

There is nothing more difficult than facing down several years of separation and working together to come out the other side in love, with children who are cared for and adored and a home life that is solid.

It is a lot easier to walk away. But for the couples, including those who have felt the pain of infidelity and worked to rebuild their marriage, who make a commitment to endure together, these are the people we should hold up as role models.

Marriage isn’t easy. The military makes it even harder. What you and your spouse need to decide together, is whether it is worth fighting for.

We are Thankful

Today, there will be no grandparents to squeeze my children tight. There will be no slaps on the back from annoying cousins or nasty looks from prying in-laws. We will gather around our Thanksgiving Day table with no family … by blood.

Instead, there will be loving military wives to hug my children tight, slaps on the back from annoying co-workers and funny looks from some of my closest friends as they drink just a little too much of that holiday wine. We will gather around our Thanksgiving Day table with our family, the military family we have built here in Hawaii and at every duty station we have served at in the last 12 years.

In many ways, they are better than family. We have endured the same hardships, suffered similar losses and celebrated each other’s victories. As military wives, children and soldiers we have a bond that no civilian family member can ever understand or appreciate.

Today, I am grateful for them. When I look around our long table, graced by friends who have become family over the last two years, I know there is no place better to celebrate the blessings of this life.

Happy Thanksgiving my friends and please enjoy joining our contributors as they recount their own Thanksgiving blessings.

Cheers,

Allison

I’m thankful for being able to spend the holidays with my family, celebrating and enjoying each other’s company. I’m thankful for having a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food on my table. I’m grateful to be able to sleep peacefully at night knowing that the U.S. military is watching my back. Lastly, I’m thankful for all my friends, in person and via the internet. You hold a piece of my heart and I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving!   - Kira Hooper, The College Spouse

I am thankful for running. When all else fails, I strap on my shoes, my iPod, my watch and hit the road. At this stage of the deployment, it is what I cling to for sanity! – Sarah B. Young, Deployment Soundtrack

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for the newest member of our family and all the noise and chaos that comes with our family of four. The mess, the noise and exhaustion mean that we are happy and healthy! As a military family, we feel very fortunate to all be together this holiday season and we are thankful for the men and women who are deployed and away from their families this year while defending our freedom. This military family appreciates you! - Ann Marie Dombrowski, Homefront Spouse

I am thankful for a helpful spouse. As military spouses, our service members aren’t always home with us. But, when my husband is home, his assertive attitude toward domesticity is truly a lifesaver. As new parents, we plundered together through the awkward, sleepless days and nights with a newborn, with no parents in town to help. My husband introduced solid toddler snacks to our daughter. If not for him, she’d probably still be eating baby food! Now, being a nursing student and writer with our child in Pre-K, it’s great to come home to a clean kitchen with dinner cooking, especially on evenings when I have a late clinical. When he’s gone, it’s certainly tough. But while he’s here, sometimes I joke that he’s a better wife than me!  - Samantha Carroll, Contributor

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