I am sad and lonely. There. I wrote it and it is out there for you to ponder. It is my firm belief that everyone goes through emotional cycles during deployment. The cycles may not be the same, and we may not go through them at the same rate. However, we all go through them. So far, my cycles have been the following:
- Readiness - We found out that he was going. It seemed to take forever to get ready and then the big day came. He left.
- Excitement - I get the entire bathroom counter to myself and I don't have to justify why I watch Army Wives and Dance Moms.
And now, well, I am just sad, and "his blue eyes see right through me. Nothing's ever great all the time." What I discovered today is that I was looking for things to pick at him about. I realized that my sweet soldier is not doing anything differently than he has done in the past. It is me that has changed. I am going through my "sad and icky" phase. I am sad that he is gone. I am mad that I am a single parent for a year. And it doesn't help that the "usual suspects" in my neighborhood are on vacation. However, it is not his fault. He can't control what I am feeling, but he takes my "icky" emails where I complain about being sad and lonely and probably files them under "my crazy wife." The great thing is that these phases are passing and seem to be passing quickly.
I continually have to remind myself that my feelings are normal - all of my feelings. Then I plan things that are extra special for me. I make time on my calendar and in my budget to take a day, especially during the summer, to have some time to myself. Yesterday, I ran the first 5K for which I legitimately trained. I ran it in 35 minutes. I am not breaking any speed records, but I made it to the starting line and the finish line. I have planned a day next week to have lunch with some girlfriends and go for a mani and pedi before I take the kids on a two week vacation.
"Ain't it good to know that life goes on ...". I have written before about choices that we make. It is easy sometimes to let yourself roll around in your sadness and frustration during a deployment, but I would like to challenge you. Block a day on your calendar just for you. Make it tomorrow when you shine.
Strength and Courage ... sby