I have been struggling to keep my head above water the last few months. My husband has been away at a 10-week course only a few hours away. There were a few weekends we were able to have him home for the weekend. In my mind, it doesn’t get much better than that! Or, so I thought.

I did not emotionally prepare myself for the disaster that would ensue. In my mind, this would be easy peasy!

Instead of daddy coming home in the middle of dinner or bedtime, we Skyped. Or tried to. Most nights, the boys were overtired and didn’t have the attention span to talk. I jam packed activities into not just our weekdays, but also over the weekends as well.

Weekends without your significant other are the worst - kids or no kids. So I kept us busy and tried to make up for the missing link.  But something was missing. I felt like I was slowly unraveling.

I assumed my husband would be able to come home most weekends. And I had the thought in the back of my mind that I would have relief when he did. But, after our first week apart, it was hard for our schedules to link up to chat. How was it possible to be in the same time zone and not find time to talk?

And then he had duty and assignments to do on the weekend and couldn’t come home. I became irritated. I also barely spent any time at home with my kids because I kept our schedules so busy.  

I did not realize how busy we had become until I had friends asking to get our kids together and I literally had no time free to “pencil” it in. I felt panicked and rushed all day, every day. I found myself short on patience, annoyed and grumpy. All. The Time.

And exhausted.

Gone are the days of a newborn or infant waking up every two hours. So I should be rested! Instead it’s the same battles from the time my little ones wake up until bedtime.

And my sleep is broken by sneaky toddlers coming into my room in the middle of the night or yelling for water or for me to cover them up. I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night.  I felt like I was failing at everything. But I kept pushing through.

I also finally got a job! I was thrilled. Light at the end of the tunnel! Until my daycare provider fell through. What good is a job with no daycare? I felt like the universe was telling me to stop everything and be satisfied with being a fulltime stay at home mom and military spouse.  

One night as I was trying to close my eyes, I felt like my heart was going to beat right out of my chest. I started panicking. Was I having a heart attack? I tried to control my breathing. I prayed it would go away and I would wake up to my children.

I did. But I called my doctor just to be sure. I have never been to the doctor so much in my entire life. Labs after labs and even a few x-rays. The verdict? Anxiety.

Solution? Medication. I was devastated. Is this the only solution? Of course I have stress and anxiety.  What mother and military spouse doesn’t?  But I have been through tougher things! This wasn’t even a deployment! How would I handle that if I couldn’t keep it together for three months? I left the doctors office feeling defeated.

For right now, I am comfortable with knowing that this is just a tough season of life for us. I am not sure if I will go forward with the medication but I do think I would benefit from talking to a counselor or therapist familiar with military life.  

And, I plan to slow down some of my commitments. Military families take on a lot.  And even though I am so grateful for the life I live and the gifts we have been given, it’s a tough life.  We can simply not do it all.  I have a background in psychology, it’s time I accept that there is someone out there to help me. Even if its simply getting some things off my chest and reprioritizing and refocusing.

So I hope in my transparency, I am able to help someone else. It’s okay to feel like you don’t have it all together. I guarantee you that you are not alone.

It’s okay to not love this lifestyle sometimes! But the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, so we must make the best of what we are given. And this isn’t forever. it's just a tough season.