The television is my company when my husband is deployed.

After my kids are in bed, and my dishes are done, and I’ve answered e-mail and written my husband, the television is background noise. It helps me feel like I’m not really alone in those waning hours of the day.

I can fold laundry with the television’s distraction. I can write my husband yet another letter about the hum of life while he’s gone. And I can do it all while the TV talks and fills the house with light and sound.

It’s not like having another person to talk back to you, but it’s something.

But recently, things are a bit different. I find myself tucking little, pajama'd, freshly bathed heads to bed, Tupperwaring the dinner leftovers, mopping up marinara sauce from the floor, and then, oddly enough, I don’t reach for the remote.

Sometimes, I still fold laundry. Or write e-mails. Or stitch a hole in a teddy bear or paint little wooden figurines for my daughter’s birthday present. I make a cup of tea or get some work done. Take a shower. Shave my legs. Whatever needs to be done, I do.

But now, I do it in silence.

Maybe it’s because I no longer have a baby, my youngest now clearly in toddler mode and screeching and chatting just as much as her big sister.

Maybe it’s because that, after two and half years at this base, we know a lot of people. We are extremely active in the community. Our house can be a revolving door of visitors, meetings, and play dates. And when it’s not, we aren’t here, either, preferring to go and do and meet and play and be out in this place we live. A lot.

Or maybe it’s just because I’ve grown accustomed to the rhythm of being alone in the evenings. I’m not really sure.

All I know is, now, I’ve been enjoying the silence a little more.

A peaceful, quiet house. The sounds of sleep and my feet padding along finishing the day’s work.

It’s the sound of a book that I saved for deployment, which I might be able to read now.

The sound of sleep, coming shortly on the horizon.

There is an unwritten rule among military spouses: don't wear your service member's rank.

However, spouses in the workforce and volunteer positions may find there are people who are breaking this rule, a lot. So how do you handle a situation in which you are a manager to someone whose service member outranks yours, especially if it causes friction?

According to Dr. Clare Fowler of Fowler Mediation (clarefowler.com), "Ignoring tension only fuels tension."

She recommends several ways to face it and keep things under control.

Make no assumptions
Don't assume that just because your employee's spouse outranks yours that there will be a problem. There is a very good chance that absolutely nothing uncomfortable will happen between you and your fellow military spouse. They may be just as determined as you are to keep their identity separate from the service member's identity. If you feel the need to say something, keep it brief and carefree.

"Acknowledge it, but don't make it a big deal about it," said Fowler. "Humor can add lightheartedness to the situation, especially if you say something like 'We should balance each other out well.'"

Be prepared
Being prepared means having a strategy now, just in case things do get rocky later.

 "Be strategic by building a casual, yet professional relationship. For example, mentioning events going on in your military community can foster openness and friendliness. That openness and friendliness will put credit in your bank account so you can withdraw it later if tension does arise."

Use social intelligence
According to Karl Albrecht International ( http://karlalbrecht.com/),  "Social intelligence is the ability to get along with others, and to get them to cooperate with you." These people skills are critical for managers since they typically will need to oversee wide a variety of situations at work, including difficult ones.

"Showing a high social IQ can mean being aware of the situation but not using it manipulatively. In other words, don't use power for leverage or revenge," said Fowler.

Fowler warned that it is very easy to be manipulative or revengeful without even realizing it and advises managers to be as transparent as possible by just "putting it out there."

"For example, you could say, 'I'm frustrated that my husband didn't get the promotion, but I want you to know I won't treat you differently. Our work relationship doesn't have to suffer,'" added Fowler.

Replace politics with policy
There may come a time when you have to take disciplinary or corrective action against an employee whose spouse is superior to yours. And that can be very difficult if you allow politics to rule. Instead, use the policy.

"In any situation where there is a conflict or questionable work ethic, you need to have some objective standard to refer to so that you don't appear harder or softer because of an outside relationship," said Fowler. "You could simply say, 'Our office policy states that if any employee's work product is substandard, then I have to address it by doing this or doing that.'"

If there is no office policy in place, get one from elsewhere and use it as a guideline. The idea is to focus on the problem, not the person.

There's a lot being said, written, assumed and even shouted since Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl was freed after serving as the longest-held American military prisoner since Vietnam.

He's a traitor. He's a hero. He walked away. He was scared. He wanted to join the enemy.

The American public is picking sides and shouting across dividing lines before officials can even figure out what actually happened.

Perhaps the most heartwrenching of reactions after Bergdahl's release was that of the family members of the six men who died while searching for him.

One mother asked a reporter, "Was his life worth my son's?"

That kills me inside. I would be beyond angry too. And I am angry that one person's selfish, bad decision could have possibly lead to the deaths of six others.

But my only comment as this story unfolds is this: they didn't die in vain.

I don't know what happened over there. We may never know the full truth.

What I know for certain is what those six men did after he disappeared is what sets them apart from the average American citizen. It is what sets them apart from every military on the planet.

They refused to leave a man behind, regardless of the fact that he may very well have turned against them.

It would have been very, very easy for them to dismiss Bergdahl, assume he got what he deserved and left. I would venture to guess that the majority of Americans probably would have done just that.

But the men in his unit had a obligation and a code to uphold - to leave no one behind. No questions asked. And they did just that.

They spent months searching for him, even though they knew it was his own fault that he was gone. They risked their lives, they gave their lives so that he might return home again.

These men are what makes America great. This is why they are heroes. When faced with the decision to uphold the vow they took, and bring every American home regardless of the circumstances, or save their own life, they choose to fulfill their promise and search for Bergdahl.

No, they did not die in vain. Their lives are not worth less than his.

Their actions are, in fact, what makes them better than Bergdahl, better than most Americans. This is what makes them heroes. They saved everyone, quite possibly, even the bad guy.

I must be honest and admit I have struggled to write these blog entries lately. Not because life has slowed down any and I am lacking in material, but because I feel guilty that we are in a pretty normal routine lately.

I cringe at using the word normal because I am not quite sure what that means. I remember feeling this way almost two years ago, in Virginia, when my husband was going to school. We weren’t experiencing any deployments, work-ups, curse of the car breakdowns or major appliances malfunction. Currently, most of my chaos comes from just being a stay-at-home mom whose husband happens to work long hours and who has his phone attached to his hip, day and night. Oh and he occasionally travels out of the country for a month at a time, is not really able to tell me exactly what he does and sometimes jumps out of planes. That’s normal right?

For us, it feels the most normal we have been since we began this military journey eight years ago. I feel settled, which is funny because two months ago I didn’t feel this way. I have struggled in the last year as I decided what was going to help me feel settled and complete outside of my role as a military spouse and mom.

I briefly thought about continuing my education and thought pursuing this lifelong goal had to happen at this very moment. I had to “be something” other than mom and Marine wife to gain the success I have always wanted. Maybe that would help me feel like I had control in this crazy life.

But I put school on the back burner to pursue employment instead. I have yet to act on this decision since deciding and talking about it a couple weeks ago. In the meantime, I am really trying to embrace the luxury I have been given - I am a military spouse and stay-at-home mom. For a long time, I have felt that wasn’t enough in my life. I didn’t feel successful. But that is something successful … that is two jobs and two things I can be successful at!! Not everyone has that opportunity - to be married to a Marine or soldier and be able to stay home with their children. Whether I want to admit it or not, I made both of these choices. Unfortunately it has taken me a lot of self-reflection and time to not only admit that but embrace it. And most important, be proud of it.

When I met my husband almost 12 years ago, I had no idea what our future would hold. When we graduated college and moved out of state together, I never imagined the military would be a way of life for us. I wanted to go to graduate school and be successful in my career (whatever that meant). When I said yes to my husband’s marriage proposal, I accepted all that came with him - including this military career he had yet to begin. It was a rocky and eye opening experience at first but it was foreign to both of us and we traveled the path together. It has been almost eight years now and it has become our way of life. I can’t imagine living any other way.

And it wasn’t that I was not proud of being a military spouse during the trials and tribulations. I was. I am!! But I have let it prevent me from being truly happy with where I am in my life.

There was a time when I dwelled on the anniversaries that we missed together or the birth of our first son while daddy was deployed or the many first milestones that were recorded in my husband’s absence. At the time, going through those days were sad and definitely challenging but they made me stronger and I believe I am a better person because of it.

I have been fortunate enough to have my husband home for many memories and milestones during the last three years. I couldn’t be more thankful for that. We all go through tough days, tough months, gosh some even tough years. All that matters is where you let it take you.

At the end of the day, you can let it break you or you can choose to be stronger. Today, I chose to be stronger and happier. I know our “normal” could very well change at the drop of a hat and if it does, we will take it one day, one breath at a time. But for now, I will embrace our normal.

Life, military or not, is too short to sweat the small stuff. At the end of the day, I gave it my best and my family deserves that. Some days that may mean no time to shower or hotdogs for dinner because of meetings for volunteering, errands and swim lessons. But if I made my family smile that day, it’s a success. If I gave them one memory to treasure, that is a success! And I am proud of that!

Ten lucky Salute to Spouses readers have the opportunity to get a free, one-year membership to www.momcorps.com

This award-winning, career development firm gives its members access to expert career advice, industry pros and the most up to the minute information on what is trending in the business world. And now, it can all be yours.

Salute To Spouses and Mom Corps, announced a new partnership last month in honor of Military Spouse Day. Mom Corps shares our commitment to support military spouses as they grow their career and educational goals.

Mom Corps was created and is led by an Army spouse who experienced the challenges of re-entering the workforce after each PCS. Now, her program gathers experts, advice and resources into one online community where women can find help in meeting their career goals.

When you join the site you will have access to career experts who deliver training in the areas of job search, workplace flexibility and business ownership. Members can also use the Mom Corps community to network with other professionals.

In honor of all the hard work spouses do all year long, Mom Corps is giving away 10, free, one-year memberships to fans of Salute to Spouses. This is a $99.99 value!

To apply, visit http://www.momcorps.com/blog/blog/2014/05/08/salute-to-spouses-partners-with-mom-corps-to-support-military-spouses

I had coffee with a friend last week.

She’s a lawyer, married to a businessman, but she grew up in the South just like I did. She was discussing how it feels working for the old boys’ club, as a woman.

Then she paused, and kinda laughed.

“No one has anything on the military when it comes to the old boys' club, though,” she said.

My husband is on submarines. If anyone is used to their husband working among a bunch of salty sailors, almost always male, I am.

But when we moved to Georgia, the base we were stationed at underwent a change. The base filled with salty male submariners added some female ones, too.

Not many. Just a few. A few submarines here added female officers to their staff.

And one of them is my sister –in-law.

Maybe it’s because she’s family. Maybe it’s because it didn’t directly affect my husband; he still goes to work on the boat just like he always did. Or maybe it’s because that after a few months, it just wasn’t that big a deal.

My husband gets asked about it sometimes. People wonder if it’s odd to have women in what was once a man’s world. And I get the furtive glances and thinly veiled statements from other women, wondering what I think; wondering if I’m worried (as if women haven’t been deploying with men elsewhere in the military for a while.)

My husband always shrugs. I like to think of him as an enlightened male, but honestly, I don’t think he has an opinion. If it works, it works. Even in the old boy’s club.

And as for me, I find myself immediately on the defensive.

My sister-in-law is incredibly competent. She’s smart and capable and performs her job to the best of her ability. She’s an excellent example of what a submariner should and could be.

And she’s a woman.

And so am I. I’m a girl mom, too. I only have little girls, in fact. Little girls who I want to be able to do whatever they want to the best of their ability.

For me, any newly open avenue for women is another open avenue for my children.

So it almost pains me when other women – military wives, especially – cluck-cluck and outright dismiss the idea of women being on submarines. Not because some concerns weren’t valid. After all, change comes with some growing pains. But because some find it so hard to understand that their fellow woman would want to do this job.

Yes, some women want to be on submarines. Some women want to work in the old boys' club.

My family looks traditional. My role in my family looks traditional. But that doesn’t mean I don’t respect women who do things differently. 

Because my daughters may be just like me: a military spouse who works from home and cares for her babies. Or they may be lawyers. Or businesswomen. Or submariners.

Today, the old boys' club may still exist. But thanks to people like my sister-in-law, that no longer means it’s still no girls allowed.

 

PCS moves, inevitably, cost military families money.

Yes, the military pays to ship your household goods, your car and, eventually, will reimburse you those hotel charges.

But what about eating in restaurants for a week? What about replacing many of the non-moveable items like spices, food and cleaning supplies.

And for spouses who work civilian jobs and are accustomed to living in a two paycheck household, a PCS move can feel like a kick in the gut as you downsize from two incomes to one. And there's no guarantee you will find a job or the same income in your new location.

The only way to handle a significant loss in income, is to be prepared.

USAA financial planner, Joseph Montanaro, says some planning and a lot of discipline can soften the impact when those future expenses become a reality or when one spouse is suddenly unemployed due to a move.

“People tend to spend what comes in,” Montanaro says. “Two incomes can often  mean more spending, but the goal should be  to create a lifestyle where you aren’t counting on both salaries.”

The first step is to know where your money goes each paycheck. To do that effectively, budgeting and tracking your spending is essential. 

“You can use an app, a spreadsheet or a pocket diary, but the key is to figure out what allows you to stay on top of your spending,” he says. “Some people pull cash out and separate it out into envelopes for specific purposes. Do whatever works best for you.”

He also recommends that everyone set up an emergency fund. It could be used during a PCS, for a vacation or to take care of other special financial needs that pop up in your future.

“If money is a subject that makes you just go to sleep, automate it,” Montanaro says. “Set up separate accounts and have one check, or a big part of one, go into an account that isn’t touched on a regular basis. Do whatever you have to do to ensure you’re not using all the money that comes in.”

The automated savings account is a great way to prepare for something you know, or don’t know, is on the financial horizon.

“It all comes down to the grunt work of tracking your money and cutting out or cutting back,” Montanaro says. “ PCSing is a part of military life, you’ve just got to be ready. You knew it was coming, you just might not have known when.”

In addition to saving money in preparation for a PCS, USAA  advises families to know their  military benefits in regards to per diem funds you may receive, lodging expenses and advanced pay. Unreimbursed moving expenses  may also be tax deductible during your move, so keep your receipts. USAA also offers reduced credit card interest rates for up to one year upon a PCS move.

Unfortunately, military life also involves unexpected life changes, like injuries. A spouse may have to leave their job to care for their injured servicemember.

Montanaro notes that the same type of preparation that could help smooth a PCS move could be beneficial if tragedy befalls a military family.

“When a servicemember is injured it’s obviously a big deal for the entire family. It’s also another situation where having a robust emergency fund can pay big dividends.  It can help the family focus on what’s important without having to worry about money,” he says.

He encourages families to use the financial planning tools and calculators they have available at USAA and to start preparing and saving as early as they can for what they know is coming, as well as for the unknown.

“You’d much rather do it sooner than later,” he says. “By using a proactive approach, you can avoid the headache that comes with being financially unprepared.”

Want more information? Check these helpful sites at USAA:

https://www.usaa.com/inet/pages/advice_saving_investing_planners_and_calculators_main

https://communities.usaa.com/t5/PCS-Blog/bg-p/pcs-blog

Prepare to become angry.

The military has shutdown a military spouse entrepreneur, put her employees out of work and ended an accessible, affordable fitness class being held on a Hawaii base to make room for an outside vendor - who charges more and offers less.

DumBell Fitness has been a staple of the daily workout routine for spouses on Joint Base Pearl Harbor-Hickam for five years. Even if you didn't participate, you knew of DumBell. We lived there, I didn't attend (probably should have) but my friends did. I knew of the company's outstanding work ethic and the amazing program they offered.

In the last two years alone the program has grown to serve more than 250 spouses and nearby civilians. They offer classes in seven locations in housing units across the base. Classes cost about $9 each. On-site babysitting is included at no extra cost. All the instructors are either military spouses or veterans.

In several media interviews over the past week, DumBell Fitness founder and owner, Christina Landry, a Navy veteran, explained that she had obtained all the proper permits from housing, from JAG and from the Navy to operate.

But eyebrows were raised at MWR when that organization saw the high rate of participation.

Landry was doing it right. She had hundreds of spouses who not just signed up, but who were passionate about participating. DumBell fitness was more than an exercise class, it was a sisterhood of women who were gathering to support each other to reach their fitness goals, care for their families and make the most of their experience as military spouses.

But it appears that MWR missed the point of DumBell's camaraderie and its support of military families' morale, welfare and recreation. All this office seems to have noticed was dollar signs.

MWR suddenly demanded that Landry bid on the contract for a bootcamp style camp. So she did. And she offered to pay MWR 5 percent of her monthly gross.

Not enough. MWR demanded a minimum a minimum of 15 percent. So, they awarded the contract to an outside company and booted Landry and her hundreds of clients and dozens of employees off the base.

MWR is missing the point. Landry, as she explained in multiple media interviews, makes less profits because they keep costs low and pay their trainers well. Landry told a local Hawaii news station that if she were required to pay MWR 15 percent, after expenses, the company would owe more than it makes. 

She appealed the decision. She lost.

Are you horrified yet? You should be.

An on-base organization whose entire goal is to promote the wellness and morale of military families has just done the opposite. They have taken a thriving activity run by spouses for spouses and tried to destroy it simply because MWR was making no money from it.

MWR has done the opposite of what First Lady Michelle Obama has pushed for in her Joining Forces campaign. There, the first lady has strived to bring attention to the needs and strength of military families and showcase the skills, experience and dedication of veterans and military spouses to strengthen communities .

MWR had a gem. They had a growing, popular, thriving, military-family owned business. There could have been partnerships. There could have been a chance for MWR to jump on DumBell's wagon and ride to the stars. Instead, leaders here decided to play the bully and toss Landry and her organization away.

I know DumBell fitness will bloom and grow elsewhere. I know MWR threw away an enormous chance to support and be associated with a reputable, well-run, popular business that is doing good for military families.

And I know this is our chance as military spouses to let our leaders know just how angry we are. Write letters to leaders on base and the congressmen in Hawaii. Let them know that we expect our military communities to be built by leaders who do what is right for our neighborhoods, not what makes them the most profit.  

Send letters to:

jeffrey.w.james@navy.mil - Commander of JBPHH, Captain James,  

thomas.a.jones@navy.mil - JBPHH MWR Director, Thomas Jones

Hawaii Congress Woman, Tulsi Gabbard (link)

Corresponding with the White House (link)

You can also sign the petition at change.org by following this link.

Recently, I cleaned out a lot of textbooks. An entire shelf that included tomes on everything from American history to nutrition. Out of curiosity, I googled the phrase “book buyback” and each book’s ISBN (International Standard Book Number). 

Bam. There is money to be made here.

There are a few key elements to getting the best bang for your buck when it comes to reselling textbooks. First, sell it as soon as class is finished. Seriously. Once you’ve received your grade, sell the book immediately. This is incredibly important, because many companies release revised editions (or even the same edition with a small update insert). If a textbook company has released a newer version of the book you plan to sell, you’re basically stuck with it.

Additionally, keep your books in good shape. If you list the book on a sale website, “good” condition versus “like new” condition can make a big difference.

So here are a few options to turn those books you may never touch again into cash:

Many college bookstores offer a buyback program. I don’t tend to participate in these, as the lines can be long and the window of time fairly short. Receiving six dollars in return for a book I paid $150 for doesn’t really work for me. It is worth the six dollars to me not to stand in a two-hour line with a bunch of equally frustrated (but usually much younger and annoying) students.

Amazon and Chegg both purchase books. Just punch the ISBN number into their buyback search bar, and you’re off and running. Don’t go in with a ton of expectations, though. They may only give you a few dollars, depending on the book. Or (sniffle) they may invite you to keep it. Chegg will send  a check, and Amazon will simply apply the money to a gift card on your account! Keep in mind that you won’t see a dime until they receive the books.

You can also sell on www.half.com, which belongs to Ebay. Create an account, list the condition and your asking price, and you’re good to go. Keep in mind that your book will not be the only copy listed on the site, so asking a low price or offering free shipping may give you an edge.

One of the most effective online sources I’ve found for the resale of texts is www.BigWords.com. There, you can insert the ISBN, author, or title, and hit the sell back search button. It gathers information from most sites that buy texts, and lets you know whether any site is purchasing that particular work.

Last (and monetarily least), maybe you just want those darned things out of your house. Maybe you want to put a nice vase on the shelf, or  maybe you’ve got a new semester coming up and if you don’t clear the bookcase out, you’ll have to stack your texts in the pots and pans cabinet. Either way, books can always be donated. Chegg will take the books as donations, as will many libraries, Goodwill, The Salvation Army and various Veteran programs.

Unfortunately, we will never be able to completely recoup the cost of books we’ve purchased. It works in a way that is similar to buying a new car. Once it’s off the lot, the value drops. Significantly. There is a silver lining, though. There are ways to get some money back through resale. You will never earn back 100% of what you paid, but it’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick - a sharp, expensive, heavy, boring stick. Sigh.

It's PCS season which also means a lot of you may be in search of a new job. What better place to start than at a local job fair.

Check out the list below of job fairs tailored to military families that are being held around the country throughout the month of June.

June 4

Roseburg, OR - Hiring Our Heroes

https://hoh.greatjob.net/sc/viewEvent.action;jsessionid=BFECF12C6596EA5CB7EE0A6C2E20FDB7?id=1662547

June 5

Jacksonville, FL - Hiring Our Heroes

https://hoh.greatjob.net/sc/viewEvent.action;jsessionid=BFECF12C6596EA5CB7EE0A6C2E20FDB7?id=1670423

Las Cruses, NM - Hiring Our Heroes

https://hoh.greatjob.net/sc/viewEvent.action;jsessionid=BFECF12C6596EA5CB7EE0A6C2E20FDB7?id=1674195

June 10

Dover, DE - Hiring Our Heroes

https://hoh.greatjob.net/sc/viewEvent.action;jsessionid=BFECF12C6596EA5CB7EE0A6C2E20FDB7?id=1665395

Savannah, GA - Hiring Our Heroes

https://hoh.greatjob.net/sc/viewEvent.action;jsessionid=BFECF12C6596EA5CB7EE0A6C2E20FDB7?id=1670591

June 18

Somerville, NJ - Hiring Our Heroes

https://hoh.greatjob.net/sc/viewEvent.action;jsessionid=BFECF12C6596EA5CB7EE0A6C2E20FDB7?id=1665427

Jonesboro, AR - Hiring Our Heroes

https://hoh.greatjob.net/sc/viewEvent.action;jsessionid=BFECF12C6596EA5CB7EE0A6C2E20FDB7?id=1670622

June 19

Buffalo, NY - Hiring Our Heroes

https://hoh.greatjob.net/sc/viewEvent.action;jsessionid=BFECF12C6596EA5CB7EE0A6C2E20FDB7?id=1661995

Cincinnati, OH - Hiring Our Heroes

https://hoh.greatjob.net/sc/viewEvent.action;jsessionid=BFECF12C6596EA5CB7EE0A6C2E20FDB7?id=1676122

June 25

Charleston, SC - Hiring Our Heroes

https://hoh.greatjob.net/sc/viewEvent.action;jsessionid=BFECF12C6596EA5CB7EE0A6C2E20FDB7?id=1670643

June 26

Lexington, KY - Hiring Our Heroes

https://hoh.greatjob.net/sc/viewEvent.action;jsessionid=BFECF12C6596EA5CB7EE0A6C2E20FDB7?id=1678708

Cleveland, OH - Hiring Our Heroes

https://hoh.greatjob.net/sc/viewEvent.action;jsessionid=BFECF12C6596EA5CB7EE0A6C2E20FDB7?id=1678709

June 30

Omaha, NE - Hiring Our Heroes

https://hoh.greatjob.net/sc/viewEvent.action;jsessionid=BFECF12C6596EA5CB7EE0A6C2E20FDB7?id=1678707