I have a confession. I am not a perfect military spouse. I may not even be a very good one. My realization came last year over the holidays when I could not make cookies. And it made me cry. A grown adult, mother of two, crying over cookies. Let me explain.

When my husband and I moved here and he took his new billet, I really thought I would be able to be more involved. I was getting settled and my boys were on a routine and I was feeling great. There were so many ways to be involved and being new to the battalion was a great opportunity to jump in and be that supportive, active military wife I had always wanted to be.

Summer came and I attended a meeting or two, went to a couple of functions and felt really positive about how things were going. Invitations came in for events and I quickly RSVP’d - yes! Then, life happened.

Just as I began volunteering and getting into a new routine, my kids got sick. And then we had family visit. And a birthday. Repeat this cycle a few more times. Life got busy. I know there are families who have more than two kiddos but all I know is what it is like to have two boys, ages 3 and 1 ½. And they are busy. And fun. But so incredibly busy and exhausting.  

So between volunteering and keeping up with grocery shopping, housework and life in general, I have not been the model military spouse.

So, back to the cookies. My husband’s battalion had about 50 Marine’s returning home from a deployment and another group preparing to deploy. It was a great opportunity to bake or bring in items to give to the Marines coming or going as a small token of appreciation for all they do.

All I have to do is bake cookies. Easy right? My son and I had made cookies months earlier for the same cause. He really enjoyed helping me make treats for the Marines. Since I hadn’t been able to make a lot of functions lately I thought this would be a nice way to contribute in a small way.

The week goes on and I have all the ingredients I need except for butter. A teething, miserable, independent, crabby toddler in the store with an independent and sassy 3-year-old who has not napped is a disaster, if you didn’t already know.

Strangers give us the look that says, “Why on Earth would you bring them out in public?” Or they say, “Wow, they are close in age, you have your hands full!” If had a quarter for every time I heard that I would be rich and able to pay for someone to grocery shop for me. 

Anyway, I get the butter and we attempt to make cookies during little guy’s nap since they are needed tomorrow. I must make them and have them ready to go so my husband can take them in with him to work. Perfect. Easy.

Then, I burned the cookies.

Big little guy went to the bathroom, needed help and I flushed the toilet. You never, ever flush Big little guy’s business down the toilet. A 10-minute meltdown ensued, which led to a much needed trip to his room for a nap.

I forgot about the cookies. They burned.

So I cried.

I cried because I ruined the cookies. I cried because I sometimes get mad at my husband for working late at night even though I know it isn’t his fault. I cried because secretly I daydream about a “civilian” life. I cried because sometimes I fake my excitement when my husband comes home, excited about his next mission and when and where it may take him. I cried because sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and go back to our first duty station with our best friends and our house on base. I cried because as much as I would like to say “yes” to every event and military function, my family keeps me busy and there are days I can’t find a way to get anywhere. I cried because sometimes I forget the names of people who work with my husband or I forget their rank. Or forget what acronym means what.

Some women are amazing and can do it all. I am finally realizing, that most days I can’t get my mom/wife “duties” together let alone military spouse ones. I am not perfect. And that’s ok.

I didn’t get to contribute cookies this time, but it doesn’t mean I have failed as a military spouse. At this moment, my family comes first. Some days are great, some not so great. It was one bad day. I have a feeling I will have lots of time in my husband’s military career to be more active.

For now, I will do what I can, when I can. I am finally learning I can’t be everything for everyone at all times. Little by little I’ll get the swing of it all. Better late than never!