Salute to Spouses Blog

We're excited to be blogging about the latest topics in military life. We want to keep you informed on topics such as current events, education, career advice, etc. Feel free to post comments or questions to any of our entries.
Ten Ways to Help A Grieving Spouse

By Jan Wesner Childs

During my husband’s worst deployment, in the midst of the surge in Iraq in 2007, I dreamed over and over that he had died. I had visions of what I would do if that happened, how I would react and how I would grieve.

Later, when he was deployed as a commander of nearly 1,000 soldiers in 2010, I had visions of a different kind: What would I do if one of our soldiers was killed, and I was called upon to help the spouse?

Thankfully, I never experienced either scenario in real life. And while death is something none of us like to talk about it (or should obsess about the way I did), we can be prepared in case it happens to one of our own.

Recently, a soldier in our current unit died of an illness after being in the hospital for a few days. My experiences helping his spouse and their 5-year-old son over the past few weeks have reminded me that grief is one of our most primitive, yet most unpredictable, emotions.

Here are 10 tips for helping a military spouse deal with loss and grief, whether you are long-time friends or unfortunately meeting only because a tragedy has happened:

  1. Everyone grieves differently, and that grief evolves over time. This is the most important thing to remember anytime you are around a person experiencing a loss. Some people retreat inside themselves. Others dread being alone. Some won’t leave the house for days. Others will find comfort in going out to do “normal” things.  If a grieving person reacts in a way different than you think you would, don’t judge them or question them. Let them grieve in the way that feels best for them at that moment.
  1. This isn’t about you. This piggybacks on the above point – the only person this situation is about is the one who is experiencing the loss. If you find yourself seeking attention for your actions, or complaining, or talking randomly to others about the situation, step back and take a deep breath and refocus. If someone else is already providing assistance - like a close friend, neighbor or more senior spouse, ask them what you can do to help rather than overwhelm the grieving family.
  1. Don’t intrude where you are not wanted or needed. Be very aware of when and how you can best support the grieving family. Again, this is not about you – if the spouse doesn’t want you there, leave. You do not have to be physically present to provide assistance.
  1. If you are the one “in charge” of spouse support, assess the surviving spouse’s needs and discuss them carefully. A person in tragic circumstances may not know what they need, or how to express that need. At the same time, you don’t want to completely take over the situation. Talk to the spouse gently about her needs. Look around the house. Does she have kids who might need childcare while the CAO is meeting with her? Does she appear to have food on hand? Does she already have a support system in place that she can call upon (or you could call upon for her), like a church group or close circle of friends? Once you assess the needs, make a plan and present it to her. For example, a schedule of babysitters for her child or a plan for neighbors to walk the dog.
  1. Call on others to help, and allow others to be involved as appropriate. When tragedy strikes, everyone wants to help. This is partly because we feel bad for the surviving family members, and also because it helps us deal with our own grief and fears. Organize that help accordingly, so that the family is not overwhelmed. If the surviving spouse doesn’t want people dropping by her house, by all means let her put a “do not disturb” sign on the door. Then corral the helpers into doing something useful and appreciated, based on the needs of the spouse. 
  1. Let the military handle the “official” side of things. Don’t hypothesize with the spouse about money or benefits, timelines, or anything that the government controls. Whenever a servicemember dies, whether in combat or not, the immediate family is assigned a Casualty Assistance Officer, or CAO. The CAO is usually a member of the deceased person’s unit and is the point person for all official business related to the death. There are also usually several other members of the unit assigned to assist the CAO for as long as needed.  The CAO will help the family make burial or cremation arrangements, bring them necessary paperwork to sign and answer any questions they may have. He or she will also make sure the family is briefed on government benefits and receives any immediate financial assistance.  The CAO and the unit might also help with travel arrangements for other family members, the surviving spouse’s PCS if he or she will be relocating and countless other details.
  1. You are not a professional grief counselor. Certainly you can be a sounding board and a shoulder to cry on, but be cognizant of the fact that most of us don’t have a degree in counseling. The CAO should provide information on mental health services but if you think a grieving spouse – or their children – might be in need of professional counseling, gently remind them that such counseling is readily available and, if necessary, give them the contact information. 
  1. If you are stepping in because the person who died worked for or with your spouse, talk to your spouse about what he or she might expect of you and what assistance your own spouse envisions you providing
  1. Don’t forget to take care of yourself and your own family. Helping someone in crisis is emotionally exhausting, and your own family, especially your children, may also be affected. Don’t get so immersed in helping someone else that you forget to take time out for yourself and your family.
  1. Stop and think before you say or do anything. Back off. Don’t suffocate the grieving family. If there is anytime to be compassionate, thoughtful and selfless, this is it.

 

$6,000 SCHOLARSHIP
For Military Spouses
Apply for the Salute to Spouses scholarship today and begin your education! You’ll be on the way to your dream career.
BLOG CATEGORIES
MONTHLY ARCHIVES

Salute to Spouses Scholarship Recipients

© 2013 SALUTE TO SPOUSES ALL RIGHTS RESERVED