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Halfway

This month we reached the halfway mark of deployment four. I swear, if I hear one more person say, “Well, that went fast!” I may be moved to violence. It has not gone fast. It has been five months (today) of excruciating and aching loneliness and I swear time has slowed down every single movement of the second hand just to thwart me. 

Okay, not really. Truth is, time is relative, right? To those who carry on life around me, the last five months may have gone quickly. Ask the spouse whose husband leaves for deployment this month, and I’m sure she’ll tell you this time simply slipped away. For those in the middle of their dwell time, maybe this time passed like that word we all covet, “normally.” But, for those of us lingering in a perpetual cycle of wait, time is a fickle little creature. 

When I look back at what’s happened these last five months, the inches the kids have grown, the work I’ve done with my career, the little hurdles we tackle as part of everyday life, I can easily agree that it seems it’s gone as quickly as possible. As senseless as it sounds, the weeks are passing by quickly, but the days are what seem to drag on and on. 

Hockey season has started, Boy Scout meetings are back in full swing, and the school year is devouring the weeks up. But there’s something about these silent moments that creep up on me - the ones where I swear the clock is stopping just to show me that it can. These moments where I miss him so much that I’m really not sure I can breathe. Yeah, those are the killer ones. 

We’re over halfway done. This is the downhill part, at least that’s what people keep saying. But without a mid-tour visit, that little shining spot of bliss, it seems like we’re perpetually climbing up this hill. Hitting the halfway mark proves that time is passing, but I can’t help but feel like it’s also a blast in my face, to say, “hey, you know these last insanely cruddy months?  Yeah, let’s do that all over again!”  There’s an incredibly childish part of me that wants to stomp my foot and shout, “No.  I don't want to!"

But come on, it’s not like we really have that option as spouses.

So yes, we’re halfway done and I’m tired. I forget what it’s like to sleep next to him. I forget what it’s like not to be the only parent handling, well, everything. I miss him in a way that words can’t define, but halfway means we’re halfway closer to him coming home. 

This is the hard part, where we’ve gone so far and still have so far to go, but now that portion of the pie gets smaller and smaller. The days will pass, the clock will move, I hope, and he will come home. This new half will be different because we’re already in the swing of things, already pushing through, and instead of reeling from his departure, we’ll be prepping for his homecoming. 

Halfway done and halfway there. 

Follow Rebecca at http://theonlygirlamongboys.blogspot.com/

I can tell you how to get, how to get to Sesame Street

One of the best perks of being a military family are attending the free shows that the USO sends on tour every year.

While many of the artists are intended for the adults, the USO has a very special relationship with some characters who live on the most famous street in the world.

The Sesame Street characters have been touring military bases since 2008, dispensing heartfelt advice and a sense of security to military kids around the world. These cuddly little muppets have taken on the toughest topics including deployment and serious combat injury. These fuzzy friends have stood strong for military children when many adults have broken down.

This year Elmo, Rosita, Grover and Cookie Monster will introduce kids to their friend, Katie, who is upset after learning that her family has received PCS orders. In their typical, fuzzy, sing-a-long, feel good Sesame Street format, her monster friends will have her embracing the opportunities for new experiences and new friends in no time.

My oldest children were treated to a visit by Elmo and crew during one of my husband's trips to Iraq. It was a bright, fun-filled moment during a deployment that wasn't going so well. I will be forever thankful to that band of merry monsters for making my kids laugh with glee.

For more information about Sesame Street's unique support of military children, please visit, http://www.uso.org/sesame/

To find out when Elmo and his friends will be swinging into a base near you, check their current tour schedule, which is rounding out the fall months in Japan and South Korea.

Deployment Soundtrack: Beautiful Day
Beautiful Day

U2, 2001

Preview Song

So you know I have been training for my first marathon. You know that I have been considering going back to work. What you may not know is that after the last job search fiasco, I had basically decided not to look for work until after the marathon was over in late October. But I still check the job posting websites for the U.S. government and our local school district.

Not too long ago, I was looking at the school district website for jobs available at either of my kids' schools and I happened upon a job as a part time library clerk. Hmmmm. Depending on what "part time" actually means, this could work! Then I saw that the posting closed as of late July. Darn it, but since the posting was still online, maybe the job was still open. So I decided to ask some questions before I threw my name in the hat.

On that Friday, we had a PTO meeting in the library and the library clerk at the time was a friend of mine. I asked about the job. She told me that the posting was for the afternoon shift and no one had been hired. I only train for the marathon in the morning. Hmmmmm.

Monday comes and my phone at the house rings. On the other end is the principal at my older kids' school. She shared some PTO business and then to my surprise, she said, "A little birdie told me that you were considering applying for the library clerk. We would love to consider you." That afternoon, after eating lunch with Sweet Girl and Sweet Boy, I found myself in the principal's office with an appointment for an interview the next afternoon. Holy smokes! That evening, I found the perfect interview outfit and, I began to get nervous.

Tuesday afternoon, I had an interview with the principal and the librarian. They asked me the top interview question, "Why do you want this job?" In that moment, I decided to be painfully honest. They know me and my kids. Why be anything less than painfully honest? My answer was that I had been wanting to get back into the workforce, but with my husband's job and marathon training, full-time work is not for me right now, but working in the afternoon during school hours is perfect! It won't hinder my training schedule and that is of the utmost importance. Then I told them about the days that I would need off around the marathon and the couple of hours that I would need off to take Little Sweet Boy's class cupcakes for his birthday. They were undeterred.

While I was in the office, the principal called human resources to make sure that all of my paperwork was in order and it was. Handshakes and smiles as I leave.

Now I wait.

Friday afternoon at 4:30, I got a call from the school system human resources representative. I think I held my breath as she said, "I am calling to offer you the job of afternoon library clerk at Fort Riley Elementary." I accepted the position on the spot!

It has been a couple of weeks since I started, and I think things are going well!

I have had people laugh at me occasionally for getting "dressed up" to go to the school, which really means I shower, get out of my pajamas and put on clothes that match. I have also had people ask me why I stay so involved in my school. I do it because I want teachers and staff to know that I care about my kids and my school.

This time it worked out that the networking I had done by being a member of the PTO and there to have lunch with my kids regularly paid some great dividends. Think about it this way. If everyone has equal qualifications, but they know me personally and know that I care about the school, who do you think they will want on their team when it comes time to hire?

 

Strength and Courage ... sby

Homefront Spouse: No More Stalling

One of my biggest struggles as a military spouse has always been what I feel my personal sacrifice has been in order to follow my husband's career.

I put off graduate school and finding a career that I was truly proud of and passionate about.  We made so many moves during my husband’s first few years in the Marine Corps that I was only able to work a year before we were packing again. Each short-term job I held seemed to be missing something.

I worked in bartending, restaurant managing, personal training and health coaching. I enjoyed helping people but I wanted something more. I used our constant moving as an excuse to delay enrolling in school. Not only did the thought of additional school debt terrify me, but also I am terrible at making decisions. I used the military as a way to wiggle out of deciding on a master's degree.

Whether it is as simple as what to make for dinner or as monumental as choosing where to live, I cannot make decisions easily. I would rather someone else make the choice for me because I have a fear of making the wrong one. Hence, I could never decide on a master’s degree.

Now that we have settled into our new home, I have decided it’s finally time to stop making excuses for myself.  I over think things at times and never follow through with my crazy ideas. It’s time to just make a decision and follow through with it.

I cannot tell you how many different degree programs I have looked at in the last few years. I have tried to find a school and career path that would work with our military life. I have researched and talked in circles, always finding an excuse to put it off another year. It has now been eight years since I graduated from college. Life isn’t getting any easier.

So instead of making excuses, I decided to just pick something I enjoyed, and always wanted to do, and go with it. Everything else will fall into place but I need to just start. I am now registered and ready to begin my degree in counseling.

There is no reason why, as a military spouse and stay at home mom, I have to give up my personal aspirations. Why can’t I have it all?

Life is too short to put dreams on hold. Financially, it is time to start thinking about our future. I want to help provide for our family and I am fortunate enough to be able to stay at home while my boys are young.  I also want to be an example to my children. There is no reason why I cannot do this! So, I registered for classes and I begin in January.

I am terrified but excited at the same time.  Stay tuned friends, in a few short months I will be fulltime mom, Marine Corps wife and student! Not sure how I will manage all of these things but I know there are lots of other awesome spouses and mom’s doing it. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for my little family!

Deployment Soundtrack: Brighter Than the Sun
Brighter Than the Sun

Colbie Caillat, 2011

Preview Song

Oh, this is how it starts, lighting strikes the heart

It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun

Oh, it could be the stars, falling from the sky

Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

We all have something that we want. Whether it is weight loss, financial freedom, better relationships - we want it. We crave it. We can't imagine anything more important than our goal. We want it more than we want to breathe. Now what? It is important to want it, but it is not enough. We have to make a plan.

Where do we get a plan? Do we make our own? What happens next?

My journey was to a new me. I was classified as obese. I was tired all the time. I had gotten to the point where my clothes were not fitting. I was edging closer to my self -imposed "do not go over this size" limit. We all have one.

So I developed a plan.

Sweet soldier was gone a lot. We had four days per week of therapies and four days per week of martial arts, so needless to say, there was not a whole lot of time to go to the gym. The one thing I could control was my food, but I had to be very calculated in my approach to that food.

After doing some reading, some soul searching and some active listening to knowledgeable friends, I examined everything (and I mean everything) that I was eating. My plan became to not only change what I ate but to also control it. Did you know that eating more protein will quell the taste for sweets? It really works! I switched from donuts and Frappuccinos to Starbuck's ready-made protein boxes and ice green tea and the transformation began to happen. I didn't want the sweets. I wanted to eat healthy.

For me, it was all or nothing. I needed to take all of the bad foods out of my diet and that was my plan. The first week, it was awful. The second week, it was not so bad. The third week, it was easy!

If you are not comfortable developing a plan on your own, ask a friend or a professional to help.

Now that we have a plan, we need to implement, right?

 

Strength and Courage ... sby

 

Blessings of Technology

During 2003, when my husband served his first tour in Iraq, communication was scarce. About a month into the deployment I was ready to beg for smoke signals or a carrier pigeon just to know where he was.  There were weeks with no contact, and when it finally came, it was a letter that arrived six weeks after he left.

Then, finally, a phone call. Those precious seconds spoken over a satellite phone came with a delay long enough to carry on two conversations at once and more static than words. No more than a few minutes later, he was gone again. But, in those minutes, I knew he was alive, which was all that mattered to me.  After he was wounded, and finally able to call me from Landstuhl, Germany, the craziest thought ricocheted through my mind:  I had my husband’s phone number. 

Ten years later, he’s still deploying, but this fourth go-round has the unbelievable perks of communication. Morale phones now are better, clearer and there’s no need to say “over,” when you’re finished with your sentence. Oh yes, those of you in the “old Army” crowd know exactly what I’m talking about. Jason carries his smart phone on deployment, which allows us to utilize applications like Viber, which means when he has access to WiFi, I can send him real-time pictures of the kids, or even chat.

One of the best, new, technological advances?  His Afghan cell phone. Sure, we pay a little extra for international service on my cell and his minutes, but it’s well worth it to have the instant ability to text my husband regardless of his WiFi access. As certified foster/adoptive parents, I know if they offer us a baby while he’s gone, he’s actually accessible to me to discuss the situation. What a rush that is, to know that if I need him, I stand a chance of getting ahold of him! 

Oh, and no, I never call the cell. Lord knows what he’s doing at any moment.  Texts are my lifeline to him, something I never could have imagined ten years ago. 

But my favorite innovation is a combination of smart phone and Skype. Jason misses so much when he’s gone. From Boy Scout events to graduations, it feels like I’m constantly wishing he was here, hoping the boys don’t lose the light in their eyes at the realization of what he’s missing.

The boys have been anticipating hockey camp all year, excited beyond measure to get on the ice where West Point cadets play. When I picked our biggest boys up from camp, and settled into my seat with our littlest boys to watch their exhibition game, Jason popped online. The stars aligned and Skype fired up.  He was able to watch 45 minutes of our boys playing hockey.  He was there.  Aidan, our 2nd boy, caught on midway through the game with a wave of his stick, but Aaron, our oldest, hadn’t seen.  When the game ended, I knocked on the glass, Aaron skated over, looked up and lit up the arena with the smile on his face.  I couldn’t stop my tears at his gorgeous grin as Jason waved enthusiastically from Afghanistan.  No, it wasn’t in person, but Jason made it in the only way he could to watch his boys play on Black Knight ice.  Technology made that moment possible for both of them. 

There are moments it doesn’t always work.  Internet goes down, batteries fail, and electricity doesn’t cooperate.  Sure, I get cranky, but all it takes is the memory of those first letters making their way to me during OIF 1, and I’m immediately grateful for what we have now.  Ten years is a long time to a have been at war, but it’s been enough time to advance technology enough to give both my husband and my children a little more to cling to until we can be together again. 

We.  Are.  Blessed.      

Follow Rebecca at http://theonlygirlamongboys.blogspot.com/

Budget woes, theirs and ours

Last week Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel announced a massive reduction in the number of furlough days that were necessary to help close the budget gap brought on by sequestration. He also announced that commissaries would no longer be closed on Mondays.

Don't celebrate yet. Did you read the follow-on news?

There's still a budget shortfall. Congress has to cut another $52 billion from the 2014 fiscal budget, beginning Oct. 1. Then, every year for the next eight years Congress needs to cut another $50 billion. The Department of Defense is squarely in their sights.

Secretary Hagel may have reopened commissaries on Monday, but his office is also asking lawmakers to consider drastic cuts to service members' compensation, including closing commissaries completely.

Military.com reported last week both the vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs and the deputy defense secretary presented the House Armed Service Committee last week with a list of concessions they should consider to help ease the budget woes.

Those included:

- Higher Tricare Fees for working age military retirees

-  Smaller annual raises for current forces

- Military and civilian pay caps

- Tricare changes to urge working retirees to use their employer health insurance instead

- Smaller housing allowances (BAH)

- Smaller overseas cost of living allowance pay (COLA)

- An end to civilian pensions for retired military who work and then retire from federal civilian jobs

-  Closing commissaries

Every item on this list is like taking a punch to the gut. Every item means service members will receive less in their paycheck but have to pay more for basic items like housing, food and healthcare. For many families, there is no extra money each month to squeeze from. For our family a reduction in just BAH would mean either selling our home or going into foreclosure.

But it seems like there is not much room to negotiate. The men presenting the morbid news are both career military. They know how these changes could potentially hurt military families. However, they also know that in order to have these perks, troops are losing access to training and equipment that can help bring them home alive.

This year the budget shortfall meant only soldiers rotating to Afghanistan received combat training. An entire Naval aircraft carrier group didn't deploy. The Air Force grounded many of their squadrons.

It's hard to fight a war when you can't afford to fly into battle.

As a military spouse, I'm horrified by potential losses our families may suffer in the coming years. As an American, I'm horrified by the fact that we may no longer be able to afford to protect our nation.

In either case, one thing is certain: change is coming and it is not going to be easy. Military families need to do exactly what military commanders are doing and begging Congress to do: take a hard, serious look at your finances. Find places to cut and save. Find ways to stretch your dollar.

And do it now, before Congress does it for you. Because when those cuts come, they will be swift, widespread and painful. If you can bring your financial household into check, the cut may not be as deep.

 

Deployment Soundtrack: Miss Movin On
Miss Movin On

Fifth Harmony, 2013

Preview Song

I'll never be that girl again, no

I'll never be that girl again, no

My innocence is wearing thin but

My heart is growing strong

So call me, call me, call me

Miss Movin' On, oh oh oh

Miss Movin' On, oh oh oh, yeah

 

I have been talking to people lately about change, mostly body change. We talk about diet and exercise and that equates to a lifestyle change. To make that change and make it permanent, you have to want it. And by wanting it, I mean really wanting it - even more than you want air.

In my own life, I found that food and a sedentary lifestyle became an addiction. I remember one day specifically in North Carolina: I was sitting on the couch watching television. It was the middle of the day and the kids were in the house playing. I remember thinking 'I should get up and take the kids outside.' But I didn't get up. I remember that my butt was sore from sitting in that seat for so long, but I still wouldn't get up. I just refused.

But my worst moment was when I put a lock on one of the cabinet doors. I had caught one of the kids sneaking my favorite snacks (the big frosted sugar cookies from the grocery store). I bought a cabinet lock that you would see on a display case at a department store and I installed it on my kitchen cabinet. Food was my drug of choice and I think that may be the case for a lot of people (not just women).

I have said it before and I will say it again. Food does not have feelings. Food is purely fuel.

When my journey began, I wanted to change. I wanted it more than I had wanted anything in a long time. I wanted it so badly that when I would drive through to pick up fast food for my kids, I would take a protein shake with me. For the first year, I was almost maniacal about what was going into my body. But here it is three years later, and I can report that I have kept the weight off. I don't have to be quite as vigilant now, but I have made lifestyle changes that work for me.

So whether your journey is to a better you, better finances, better relationships, better anything, your first step is to want it more than you have ever wanted anything in your life. You have to want it so much that there is nothing you won't do for it! Never forget that no matter what, I am in your corner. I am pulling for you!

The next step is to make a plan!

 

Strength and Courage ... sby

Homefront Spouse:New Unit, New Opportunities

Even though I have been a military spouse for almost seven years, having my husband back in the fleet after a year of school has made me feel like a rookie military spouse all over again.

Except this time, I already know a handful of abbreviations and which days to avoid the commissary. And thanks to the furlough, that feels like it should be every day.

Our new unit seems pretty amazing and very family oriented, which is new for both of us. There are family fun runs every month and spouse and family events planned almost weekly. There is even a wine tasting planned in which the men babysit and the wives go out!

His old unit went through three or four family readiness officers in the four years we were there so there wasn’t much consistency. As a new wife, I jumped right in and tried to get involved but found myself more comfortable making friends with military wives on my own rather than in a large group. I remained friends with these women and we supported each other daily. I felt like I had the military network I needed.

Now, back in the fleet, my husband and I agreed we would go in with an open mind and try to be more involved. As the newest members to the battalion, it is intimidating to see bonds and friendships that already exist within the group. But, I cannot let that stop me or it will be a very long three years here! There will always be families coming and going and luckily everyone has been incredibly welcoming and helpful.

Most recently, I attended a spouse meeting in which upcoming events and fundraisers were discussed. I came home feeling motivated to be involved. Everyone’s thoughts and concerns were respected and there were so many ways to contribute.  

I was reminded that I will only get out of this unit what I put in. I have been struggling with whether or not to go back to work or continue my degree in higher education. I am struggling to find what my passion is outside of my family. I feel like being a part of this unit will give me some sort of fulfillment in that area - whether it be getting together with other wives, putting together care packages for the Marines that are deployed, attending homecomings or helping plan the USMC Birthday Ball, I can really benefit from being involved with this close knit unit.

I admit, doing this means I have to leave my comfort zone, but this feels like a good change. I feel like I am a part of something again. I have realized that being a military spouse is another hat I wear and I am looking forward to wearing that hat a little bit more.

Retirement Chronicles: Celebration time, stress on!

Your retirement party is what you make of it.

We've had friends who celebrated at their official ceremony on base and then wander into the great unknown with nary a toast lifted. We've had friends who threw giant bashes and barbecues to celebrate their final moments of uniformed life. A colonel in my husband's unit recently hosted an entire golf tournament to honor his 25 years of service.

With my husband's retirement arriving a full three years early due to his medical issues, we were not prepared to host either a golf getaway or a simple barbecue.

We were swiftly approaching one of the biggest moments in his career and financially we were not prepared to pass out a single paper horn.

Meanwhile, the expectations of our nearest and dearest began to mount. We were never a family to shy away from hosting giant parties for birthdays, anniversaries or the simple fact that it was Friday. But unfortunately, the fiscal unknowns of life without steady employment and the sheer cost of switching from an active duty lifestyle to that of retirees put a huge stop on our plans.

And as the military lifestyle has taught us, it was time to switch gears, fast.

The red, white and blue adorned buffet I had planned in my head was gone, replaced instead with appetizers and lemonade after his official ceremony.

I squirreled away the pricey gifts I had dreamed of giving him for another day and helped my children paint an American flag with their handprints and inscribe on it the words to My Country Tis of Thee.

Our guest list was whittled down from everyone we knew in a 50-mile radius to just our kids, gathered around a tiki decorated table at a downtown restaurant.

There's no doubt that I felt guilty. After 24 years, 5 combat tours and over 100 airborne jumps, I wanted my hero to have the biggest bash possible. But as we looked out over our table and made a private toast to all that was and all that will be, the moment was fitting and perfect.

Like most moments in life, retirement can sneak up on you. Ready or not, it is here and gone. My husband's retirement celebration may not have been the cornucopia of partying I had envisioned but it was just as memorable.

Here's to the next 24 years. May we be ready for whatever comes our way.

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