This article is a blog post

The Paper Trail

PCS season is upon us. Do you know where your paperwork is?

If there is one thing I have learned as an Army spouse, paperwork trumps all else at any time and in any place.

Checking in to a military hospital to have a baby? Better have the paperwork from your doc and your ID card.

Trying to renew your ID card or sign your kid up for the once a week dance class on base, while your husband is deployed? Better have orders in hand and a power of attorney.

Getting on a plane to move to a foreign country with four kids, a dog and a very grumpy husband? Better have several copies of PCS orders with you if you don’t want to pay the extra baggage fee. And even then, you might have to.

I’ve heard tall tales of the military records facility in Indiana that allegedly burned to the ground years ago. My husband swears that everything was lost and that we, in turn, must keep hands on all his records at all times.

I have no idea if that story is true or not. I’ve looked for a good solid answer on what paperwork to keep and what to toss. That answer seems to be a nebulous, mish-mash of answers – and it depends on who you ask.

What I do know is that we have a single suitcase that we carry during every PCS that weighs about 60 pounds. Its contents: nothing but paperwork.

Orders, physicals, school records, dental records – it’s all in there for every member of our family.

 As a backup, I scanned it all and put it on a thumb drive. I thought I was being cool. Seems I was just turning the system over on its head. The first time I offered an Army office worker my thumb drive with my handy dandy files, I received a look of confusion and then a “no ma’am.” So much for being organized.

So as you head for your next duty station this summer, keep your paperwork close at hand and at a minimum, your PCS orders. I guarantee it will save you days, even weeks, worth of hassle.

Deployment Soundtrack: Someone Saved My Life Tonight
     Someone Saved      My Life Tonight

         Elton John, 1975

            Preview Song

I love my children, but some days there is not enough duct tape on the planet to keep them in line. We have been out of school for two weeks and I have had enough of the whining, complaining and fit throwing that seems to come with not being on the school schedule.

Typically, just like my mother did when I was a kid, I spend the second half of the school year registering my kids for various summer camps and planning small vacations. However, this year has been different. During Christmas break, we moved from Maryland to Kansas, and just before spring break we moved from off-post to on-post housing. We were transitioning schools when information came out about summer camps and we were waiting to see if the five-year-old would qualify for extended school year due to his Autism Spectrum Disorder. What does all of that mean? Well, it means that they are registered for nothing this summer and I will be a puddle of goo by the time July rolls around.

Some weeks, I try to make the errands fun for me and for the kids - i.e. going to the bookstore, Target, Walmart or, dare I say it, Red Robin Restaurant. Other weeks, my lack of planning and patience sneaks up on me out of nowhere! So what am I to do? Do I "walk head on into the deep end of the river"? Not this time. I sent a message to a friend who has a daughter that is old enough to babysit, and she sent her daughter over so I could run a couple of errands - alone. There. I said it. Alone.

Never forget that we all become better mommies, daddies, spouses and friends if we have the chance to miss each other. That night, that sweet sitter not only "saved my life" but she probably also "saved" the lives of my children as well. If you can't afford to get a sitter or don't have access to one, I have taken my kids to Chic-Fil-A, where they have an enclosed playroom. Sit outside of the room while your kids play safely inside. You can see them, but you can't hear them. Another thing that I like to do is sit outside after the kids go to bed, especially if it has been a particularly bad day. I close the door to their rooms, and I sit right outside the front door. I read a book, have a glass of something or just sit. Sometimes, that small escape can "save your life".

Strength and Courage ... sby

The College Spouse: No more teachers, no more books … for the kids

‘I don’t want to go to summer school!’

I cannot believe that at 38 years old, I am saying this.

I also cannot believe that I am envious of my two kids because they are enjoying their summer vacation, and here I am, taking two classes.  Granted only one class is a sit down class and meets once a week, and one is an online class, but still. I want my summer off too!

But alas, I must push forward. At first I had set my goal to finish my BA before we left this post. My husband’s slot is a three-year slot, and we have been here for a little over two years. So, we both figured he would come down on orders in late summer/early fall, and we’d be off to our new adventure. Well, didn’t quite happen that way. He ended up coming down on orders already, but not until April 2013. He will be heading to Korea, and the kids and I will stay here until he returns, and then head to what will hopefully be our last post before retirement. So in reality, I have more time than I thought to finish my degree.

And being that I have more time, I can easily see slowing my pace. Why push to finish by next summer, when I will be here for another two years? Why not take the summer off and enjoy time with your kids? And my answer is this: it has taken me long enough to get here and I don’t want to take even longer to get to the end of this road. And also, I really want to be done with school!

Taking two months off just adds two months later on and I don’t want to do that. I have a goal. A goal that is attainable. A goal that is in sight. A goal that I have worked towards for a long time. No stopping now!

Besides, I have evenings to work on my assignments, not to mention all the times my kids are playing with their friends during the day. But even knowing this, I still can’t help thinking, ‘I want my summer off too!’ Oh, to be a kid again!

  

Back Page War

On Monday, it seemed everyone noticed us.

It was Memorial Day and my friends’ Facebook pages were filled with patriotic messages. There were signs up in retailers. Strangers and friends alike thanked my husband for his service.

It was nice. And the sentiment was genuine. But I can’t help but think, there was so much they were missing.

Memorial Day was created to honor those who had given their lives in service to the country. That’s why I drag my Girl Scouts out to the cemetery every year to place tiny American flags on stones of people they don’t know, who died in wars they don’t quite understand.

It is why veterans gather to share memories and families hold graveside vigils. And I really do appreciate the messages of gratitude for my husband and other present day service members.

But during an evening newscast, the announcer spoke of the joyous return this weekend of a local Marine Corps unit. As an aside, she said, “And on a sad note, 4,486 service members have died since September 11 …”.

On a sad note? This isn’t a side, sad note. This is devastating.

What is even more so is to think that the deaths of a staggering 4,486 people warrants little more than a four-second mention, during a holiday that was created specifically to recognize that sacrifice.

When the war began, I was working in a daily newsroom and watched carefully. It took just under six weeks for news of the war to fall off the front page and move to the back. Weeks later, reports from the front were scattered on the inside pages, if you could find them at all.

War, it seemed, was too depressing for the current American mindset. It was far away. It wasn’t local enough. It didn’t change day to day life for the average American family.

It did, however, profoundly change the entire lives of the families of those 4,486 people.

They live with that change every single day.

Sometimes I feel that the rest of the country has to be nudged, reminded once a year to take a moment to say thank you.

The holiday reminds me of Valentine’s Day, another annual ritual I prefer not to celebrate with my husband. I don’t like the idea of him marching into a gift/card/flower/candy store to profess his love to me because the calendar told him to.

I’d rather he told me he loved me when he genuinely felt like saying it.

So while I am not offended by the annual reminder to our fellow countrymen, and I think a day honoring our fallen is more than deserved, I wished our neighbors would take more than just a fleeting moment at an annual barbecue to think about those 4,486 lives, and the thousands who died in battles before them.

I would hope that a moment in time occasionally catches their breath, and they realize just how fortunate they are that these people were willing to protect them and die doing so.

And without the parades, the flags or the reminders, I hope they occasionally say a prayer or simply thank you, in these men and women’s honor.

That is the best Memorial Day celebration I can think of.

Deployment Soundtrack: Have I told you lately ...
Have I told you lately

        Rod Stewart, 1993

            Preview Song

Have you ever had a song stuck in your head? It happens to me all the time! The funny thing is that this song came to me in an e-mail. A very dear friend e-mailed me, and in the subject line it read, "Have I Told You Lately". What made it even funnier to me was that I had just sent an e-mail to my sweet soldier with the same subject line. In the body of the email, I simply wrote, "I love you and I miss you." There was no business and no kids. There was just one simple message. Just like the e-mail that my friend sent to me, she wrote, "I love you and I love your blog." Simple words bring a very powerful message.

So I began to think about all those people in my life that I forget to tell how much they or their acts of kindness mean to me. I thought of my friend who texted me the other night to say that she had made me dinner. Have I told her how special that was? I wrote a thank you note, but does that really convey how much it truly meant to me to not have to make dinner that night? I think of a neighbor who is always willing to let my kids play with her kids so I can run to the store, or the neighbor who asks if she can get me something when she goes to the commissary. I also thought of the neighbor who is playing one last round of catch with his son before he goes "wheels up." Does he know how much we appreciate him fixing our kids' bikes for us? As I write, I am completely overwhelmed by the amount of people in my life who do the most amazing things for me. They encourage me when I am down and they celebrate with me when I am on top of the world. They even remind me to be a "big girl" when I don't really want to be.

I wouldn't dare try to name any names, but it truly takes a village when it comes to army life. My village helps rear my children, run volunteer organizations and, in general, make my life a better place. If I haven't told you lately, you mean the world to me. I am so glad that you are my friend! 

Strength and Courage ... sby

The College Spouse: Just Do It

One of the most common excuses I hear when I ask spouses why they don’t go back to school is, ‘I am too old to go back’. Why do people do this to themselves? Why do they think they are too old to do anything?

I read an article a few weeks ago about a 90-year-old man who finally learned to read. He had gone his whole life not knowing the written word, never having read a book, read a bill, nothing. It would have been so easy for him to say he was too old, that he was at the end of his life. What was the point? Instead, he made a goal and he met it, despite his age. If he can do that, why can’t you?

I am not going to sit here and tell you that the thought hasn’t crossed my mind. While I have taken most of my classes online, I have had a few courses in a classroom, including a recent class in public speaking. As we gave introductory speeches we wrote about our fellow classmates, it hit me. I am one of the oldest people in the class. There was one woman who graduated from high school a year before me, and another the year before that. But, all I heard during the speeches was that this person was 18 and graduated in 2011, or this person was 19 and graduated in 2010. What am I doing here with all these kids? I am old enough to be their mom - granted a very young, doesn’t look my age mom, but still! At that moment I regretted not going to college when I was younger.

Then I realized it’s never too late. My dad always had dreams of going back to school and becoming a teacher, but always had a reason not to go - work, us girls and so on. But he finally did it. He graduated from college the day before I got married, earning his bachelor’s degree in history at 45. And he didn’t stop there. He went on to get his master’s and fulfilled his dream of becoming a teacher. And let me tell you, as we sat at his graduation ceremony and watched the procession of students, well over half were older students and not the standard 20-something.

So my point is, don’t let something as silly as your age stop you from getting an education. Quite a few of my friends have gone back to school, and while they do wish they had done it when they were younger, they are thankful that they decided to go back. You don’t need to jump in full force either. Start with a class or two and see how it goes. Even if you aren’t sure what you are interested in, take a class and see what sparks your interest. I know a lot of us have other obligations, so a full load might not be possible. But the sooner you start, the sooner you will finish and that feeling of accomplishment is well worth it. I am proud of myself for going back and I am proud that my kids see me going as well. So I guess my question is, what’s stopping you?

Webinar Recap: Why babies, meetings and the Army can now get in line
   Recorded Webinar

Coping with the Change, Stress and Chaos of Military Life. Presented by: Col. Jim Martin, ret.

            View Recording

I am going running today. No. Matter. What.

This is my new mantra.

Through 42 months of deployments, five pregnancies, and three PCS moves, all in eight years, I have routinely set my own needs aside to accommodate the army, screaming babies, a demanding job and even the wall that needed painting in our bathroom.

Sleep was limited. The food I ate was rushed and unhealthy. My social calendar was filled only by baby-friendly events. I didn’t exercise. I didn’t do much of anything unless someone else needed it.

Now, I’m tired. Grumpy. Grouchy. And I understand well the need to take care of you first in order to build resilience as a military spouse and something had to give.

Recently, Col. Jim Martin, ret., a professor at Bryn Mawr College’s graduate school of social work and social research was our webinar guest and spoke about the need to care for ourselves.

He discussed the idea of promoting the pillars of resiliency in military spouses and families – physical, psychological, social and spiritual activities that can keep our stress levels in check.

And while there are elements within yourself you cannot control, there are a lot of tiny daily decisions totally under your command – who you talk to, what you eat, when you sleep and how often you exercise. In short, how often military spouses choose to take time for themselves.

And it can be tough to do.

I volunteer for several organizations and am always busy serving them on my weekends and evenings. During the day, the hours are gobbled up by caring for my toddler and infant until my three older children arrive home from school. Then it is homework, ball practice, therapy, dinner, bath time and bed.

As the lights in the neighborhood go dark and my children snooze, I head back to the computer to do more work that wasn’t finished earlier in the day.    

For years, stopping to exercise or even take a long bath meant that work would take even longer to finish, so the work came first.

No more.

I set a goal to run three days a week. Doing so has been an exercise in breaking my bad habits. I’ve cancelled appointments and been late to meetings just to get my run in. But I’ve done it.

I joined a Bunco group for the first time ever and left all five children for my husband to wrangle to bath and bed. As I pulled out of the driveway, I didn’t feel the least guilty.

I’ve taken time each day to actually consider what I am eating for lunch, rather than just pick over my toddler’s leftovers. It turns out, grown-up food is better than I remember.

And, I watched an entire 30-minute show while I ate my lunch. Scandalous!

These changes do not sound like much, but for the thousands of military spouses out there who I know are busy doing for others, small changes like these are a morale boost. And, they can lead to better diets, smaller waistlines and happier military wives.

So, if you’ll excuse me, today is my running day, so I’m out of here. Take time to do one small thing for yourself today too. I guarantee it will put a spring in your step.

 

Check out the recorded webinar with Col. Jim Martin, ret., addressing issues of building resiliency here.  

Deployment Soundtrack: Torn
              Torn

   Natalie Imbruglia, 1997

            Preview Song

Today, I broke my cardinal rule of deployment: never have a meltdown in front of your husband while he is deployed. As a side note, that is the rule that I impose on myself not a rule that I impose on others. But let’s go back and see where it started.

Yesterday, apparently, I was wearing my heart on my sleeve and didn’t realize it. I went about my normal day. I went to a meeting, I went to another meeting, I went home to run, I went to the commissary and I made it home in time for the bus! Seems normal enough, right? But when I was sitting in one of those meetings, suddenly, I felt a throbbing on my sleeve. It was not like someone was coming “off the top turn buckle” as we say at my house, but it was more of a “we don’t need you” feeling from the other attendees. All of a sudden, I realized that I was angry and I felt another throb on my shoulder! ‘How dare you not need me,’ I thought. ‘Can’t you see that I have valid input?’ ‘Don’t you understand that this is not my first rodeo?’ 

Then, I came home to a personality conflict among friends.  There it was again ... throb ... throb ... right on my sleeve. The bickering continued. “She’s talking about you ... she’s talking about them ... she’s talking about everyone!” Sweet Heavenly Father save us! The ship of my soul is about to go down! Once everything was talked out and cards were laid on the table, things were better. Then, throb ... throb ... throb, goes the heart on my sleeve as I sat and thought about the day’s events later in the evening.

“Nothing’s fine, I’m torn. I’m all out of faith. This is how I feel. I’m cold and I am ashamed, lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed into something real. I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn.”

Throb ... throb ... throb goes the heart on my sleeve as I email my husband the events of the day and how I feel about them. Luckily, I had the decency to warn him, ‘I think what you are witnessing is my deployment meltdown,’ I wrote.

After sitting with my feelings, what I realized was that it was not about what this person said to me or what that person said about me. It was about me and how I felt! I was taking things personally and I was allowing the pin prick in the heart on my sleeve.

Well, I am the only one that has control over my heart. I can put it out there for people to step on or I can guard it with my life! I learned a long time ago that I can’t control what people say or do, I can only control how I react. We can say that we are sorry, and we can try our best to be better, but the truth is, those pin pricks will happen again despite everyone’s best efforts.

So what can I do? I can either go on medication, which is a discussion for another time, or I can decide that I am going to not take things so personally. I am going to be the “big girl” that confronts head on not only my feelings, but the person who hurt them, intentionally or unintentionally. I am going to decide to do those things in a respectful manner so that the person I confront does not feel threatened, berated or belittled. In my experience, during deployments, 95 percent of the time, people do not wake up in the morning with the intent of hurting their sister (or brother) in arms. But if we don’t decide to make things better for ourselves and our friends, we will spend our deployments lonely, heartbroken and torn. What do you decide?

 

Strength and Courage ... sby

The College Spouse: The wandering world of the military spouse student

 I am the perpetual student. That’s honestly how I feel sometimes. I began my journey towards my bachelor’s degree in 2004. Yes folks, eight years ago, and I am still in school. Thanks to PCS’s I had the task of completing different requirements at the different colleges as I transferred. Not to mention, I changed my major twice. It all adds up to a degree that seems to be taking forever.

I have been a SAHM (stay at home mom) since I was six months pregnant with my son, who is now 13. So as you can see, I have been out of the workforce for some time. But I knew I would be returning eventually, and what I lacked in employment, I wanted to make up for in education. I didn’t want to return to the workforce with nothing. The jobs I held in food service and retail were great when I was in high school and a young 20-something, but they aren’t what I want to do with my life now that the big 4-0 is up the street and around the corner! When I start working again, I want to pursue a career, not just have a job.

So as I said, I began my journey in the fall of 2004. We were stationed at Fort Carson, and I finally decided to go back to school. Even though I knew it would be some time before I sought employment, as my son was turning 6 and our daughter had just turned 1. I figured it gave me plenty of time, and boy did I need it! Accounting was going to be my major, but I soon found out, it wasn’t all I thought it was going to be. So after a wasted semester, I changed my major to teaching. Not quite sure why I went that route, but I did. After another semester of pursing a major I wasn’t 100 percent in love with, I changed again.

The criminal justice field is one that I have always been fascinated with, and should have been pursuing from the beginning. I realized this after two semesters of college, and knew that’s what I wanted to do.  Finally! I have a plan! So with a new education plan, I am on the right road. But I should have known there would be another bump. PCS orders arrived, and we we’re off to Fort Bragg. Somehow two years passed before I returned to school in the fall of 2008, and while most everything transferred from my school in Colorado, their criminal justice requirements were much different, so it was almost like starting from scratch. But that was ok. From what I had heard, Bragg was the ‘black hole’ of posts, and it sounded like we would be there forever. Plenty of time to at least finish my associate’s degree, or so I thought. Remember that bump we hit earlier? After only two and a half years at Bragg, we hit it again. Orders to Fort Leonard Wood arrived. Another post. Another college. Another transfer. This is getting old.

I transferred as soon as we arrived, as to not waste time like I had when we arrived at Bragg. With three semesters under my belt from Carson, and two from Bragg, I figured I wouldn’t have many classes left. To my surprise, the community college here had no criminal justice major, just a general associate’s which required a whole different set of classes. Pretty much everything transferred, but I still had quite a few core classes left. I began in the fall of 2010, and finally earned my associate’s degree in December 2011! Now, on to my bachelor’s degree in Criminal Justice Administration which is where I stand today.

I transferred to my current college, and began in the spring of 2012. I just finished my second quarter, and am really enjoying it so far. All but six of my 90 credits transferred, so I was incredibly lucky there. The only hiccup that I have encountered is the requirement for 36 junior/senior class credits must be taken here in order to graduate, and I only had 24 junior/senior credits left to take. So, I have to declare a minor in order to get those remaining 12 credits. But that’s ok, because my minor, Crime Scene Technician, is something that completely interests me, and just gives me another avenue to travel when it comes time to seek employment.

So as you can see, it has been a long, interesting and, at times, frustrating road. But despite all the roadblocks, I am so thankful that I did make the decision to go back to school. Ideally I would have done all this before I got married, but life doesn’t always go as planned. Not to mention, I was in no frame of mind to go to school when I was younger. School was not a priority. So in that sense I am thankful that I waited. And as long of a wait as it has been, I finally am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

Welcome Jennifer Spare – New Salute to Spouses Columnist

On the first day of my freshman year of college, I was handed a schedule that included five days of 8 a.m. classes.

I did not consider myself in the least bit lucky.

Today, as I watch many of my military spouse friends balance 3 a.m. wake up calls with newborns, year-long deployments and homework, I realize just how lucky I was. 

At 18 I had a full class load, I slung beers at a local bar when I had time and my biggest decisions for a long time amounted to picking a movie to see on Friday night. I was in and out of college in a cool five years, which included several semesters dedicated to internships. I never had to bother with transferring credits and the Dean knew me by my first name when he handed me my diploma.

Now, I watch in amazement as my friends hassle with transferring credits with each PCS move. They carry cartons of books to each new duty station. Sometimes they finish. Sometimes they don’t. Graduation day often comes via mail because there just isn’t time or means to attend the ceremony.

While we complained about going to class, these women are longing to go. These are the students who want it the most.

Please meet my dear friend, Jennifer Spare. We met when we were both stationed at Fort Bragg and attended a meet and greet with the cast of the show, Army Wives. Jennifer was a fan. I was a reporter on assignment who harassed her until she agreed to be interviewed.

Since then, our kids have become friends. Her daughter was in the first Daisy Girl Scout troop I led. We’ve both moved on to new locations but remain in near daily contact on Facebook.

When she earned her associate’s degree, I couldn’t have been prouder.  Jennifer’s candid, honest outlook on the world is what I enjoy most about her and her friendship. As she works toward her bachelor’s degree, I know she is an inspiration to me. I hope she is to you too.

Please look for Jennifer’s column to begin appearing on Tuesday, May 22.

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